Our girls can sing!

I have always known that music and dance are critical parts of how our family experiences joy.  We love listening to music, Samir's loves making music, and all of us love dancing.  However, until this weekend, I never realized how much the girls and I love making music as well.  Both girls are currently taking piano lessons and Amara especially has taken to it.  She is learning very fast and chooses to practice on her own and actually plan what she is supposed to.  Annika takes a more open minded approach to piano lessons and practices mostly whatever she makes up at the keys.   Both girls sing a great deal on their own and with others.  Amara loves to sing fun songs and requests them to played when we are driving.  Annika tends to make up her own songs and words or sing along with songs from Spanish class or music class.  

Annika told me this weekend as we were preparing for our first family public singing (at a retirement home with our friends Jen/Brad/Daughters) that she sang a solo at school during their student only Holiday show.  Amara has always shown steady interest and capability to sing on her own as well as in front of others but I was shocked that Annika had the talent and determination as well. I had no idea she was so brave or so on key.  The more I started to pay attention to her singing the more I realized she was good.  Really good.  She even wanted to solo at the retirement home.  She ended up getting too shy but sang along well with just me on a pretty tough song.  

The weirdest part is how it is affecting me.  I have avoided singing in front of other for most of my life.  I actually would pretend to sing during chorus class and school music events when truly nothing came out of my mouth.  I have never karaoke-d and would prefer not to.   All this fear of singing got worse when I dated/married a guy who loves to sing for himself and others.  When I see his confidence and freedom, it makes me more shy and exemplifies that I am not a singer by any accord. My voice has been on lock down for past 20 years besides when I sing to the girls every night.   However, it is only me and them in the room.  I don't sing loud, and mostly do lullabies.  Preparing the girls for the Christmas Caroling was tons of fun and it forced me to get out of vocal lock down.  I couldn't practice with them without actually singing.  And I realized that I wasn't terrible.  And my daughters like my voice and want me to sing with them.   Not sure that I am any good at all but I haven't killed any birds or kids or elderly with my attempts.   

I guess my point in this post was to document for myself and daughters once again how powerful of a teacher motherhood is.  It really has forced me to become the best version of myself.   Annika asked me about why grown ups don't get gifts from Santa and if I was sad about it.  I told her the gifts from Santa get better as you get older but they don't typically come in a box.  This year, my Christmas gift was being inspired/forced to sing out loud after years of denying myself this pleasure.  

Holiday Rushing

Our holiday party is behind us and I am actually more prepared for Christmas than ever.  Yet somehow, I still feel I am losing precious moments to the Holiday Rush.  The holiday rush is a mental disorder that affects most people this time of year.  I strive to be in the Zen holiday balance of able to appreciate the moment while also plan effectively to great a joyful holiday experience for my family and others.  This year has been been the best yet but also somehow is the hardest.  Ever year I get older it seems the holiday magic seems a little further off.  I used to lose myself in the twinkle of lights, the jingle bells, the smells, and the complete sensory experience of Christmas.  The hopes and anticipation of delight in both giving and getting.   This year I am further from that than ever before.   It seems that the more intentional I am about creating the memories and quality experiences the further I get from getting moved by the magic.   I didn't expect this trade-off.   Not sure why one is an exchange for the other.  Perhaps there is a paradox of intentional vs. magical but I am determined to find a way to straddle both worlds.   Tomorrow when I meditate I will focus on creating my remaining days of 2012 being open to the daily magic and miracles of Christmas while also staying focused on creating great experiences for my family and friends.   Below is my list of Christmas joys that have already come:

1) Trying a new holiday experience of the trains and trestles exhibit at Krohn Conservatory.  The best part was sharing it with my friend Jen and her girls.  6 wiggly girls in a humid train and flower exhibit was delightful.

2) Decorating our tree with family all around.  This year Samir and Steve decorated it 90% by themselves and it is beautiful.   The added gold, sparkly branches sticking out really take it to the next level.

3) Taking holiday pictures ourselves of the four of us, as well as the extended family.  Thanks to Samir's new hobby of photography, we even were able to get great shots with Aunty and Ishaan, Kirsten's full family, and my full family including Steve!   The dogs have even had their own Glamour Shots session with Samir.

4) Spending time with out of town friends.  This year both Remi and Christy live far, far away so I was delighted and so blessed to have a day with each of them just doing nothing but hanging out.  I am lucky that my best girlfriends really understand how to enjoy the moment.  All of them are fantastic at it compared to me, and Remi and Christy especially live by their own rules, which I love.

5) Seeing the Polar Express and meeting Santa outside the mall this year.  

6) Receiving amazing hand-made pillow cases as a gift from Santa-Kim this year.  Not only did the girls receive a beautifully written and decorated letter from Santa, there was a poem to explain how the early present of Christmas pillow cases would give us dreams of sugar plum fairies and such. 

7) The daily challenge and joy of the Elf on the Shelf.  Each morning the girls actually go searching for him.  If he does not move, they accept that he must really like that spot.  However their joy is much greater if he hides somewhere new.  

8) Samir asked for one gift this Christmas and it was staying in our home just the two of us and lounging two mornings until noon.  One of our favorite rituals of when we were DINKS (double income no kids).  I am very proud of myself for enlisting my mom to help me pull this off.  We have enjoyed both of those mornings already and it has brought us extra energy to go into this last week of holiday festivities.

9)Watching how easily both daughters were able to comb through their toys to give away toys they loved but didn't play with a ton to people who needed them more.  Amara said, "Good-bye Kitten, I love you but I know someone else will love you to.  I hope you go to a great family and make them smile."  She did this will all 20 stuffed toys she donated.  I am tearing up just writing this.  My heart swells thinking how courageous and giving both of them are with their stuff and more importantly with their love.

10) Volunteering at Operation Give Back.  There were seven of us who volunteered from our business as well as my father and uncle.  That was nine people helping to donate, coordinate, and hand out gifts to the needy on a Friday evening for about three hours.  I am so excited a little dream of getting involved with this group turned into over 20 hours of volunteer time for our company and family.  The best moment was seeing my older daughter's large pillow shaped like a sheep go home with a new family.  



Below is what I still hope to experience:

• Handing out Samir's homemade coconut oil chapstick to family and friends
• Making white chocolate lavender truffles sometime before January 1st.  Maybe this can be a new year's day tradition? 
• Great photos of the girls opening gifts and seeing santa's cookies eaten
• Making reindeer food on Christmas Eve with the girls.  Anything with glitter is just fantastic
• Caroling in a retirement home on Christmas Eve with Jen's family and ours
• Hoping to have warm holiday lunch with our employees this Friday
• Hoping to have a fun and happy Christmas morning making new memories as Niel has gotten so big and now Steve will be at our home.
• Making a photo book by new years even that captures some of the joys of 2012. 

"Mom you are good at some things too..."

Yesterday afternoon I spent time at home with my girls.  I was off from work and spent time coloring with Amara in the afternoon.   Annika came home from school and saw the well-done coloring page I did with giving Barbie dark hair and a peacock colored dress.  She proceeded to say, "Wow, Mom.  This coloring is really good. Did Dad do this?"    Needless to say I was floored that she not only assumed her Dad did it, but figured he did it while she was at school while I was the one to spent the day with them.  This caused me to wonder if they even find it valuable that I stay home on some days with them but instead of spinning into a tornado of doubt I asked her, "Why would you think he did it and not me?".  

Annika's response: "Well, he is the best at coloring."    I am so shocked by this answer for 24 hours that I am just left reeling.  

This evening I bring up the concept openly.  Figuring, with a day in between, they might have something nice to say about me. 

My question: "Well, is there something I am the best at?"

Amara's answer, "You are the best hugger."

Me: "Am I good at anything else?  Maybe giving you healthy food, helping you feel good, keeping your home safe and clean? helping you get dressed to feel beautiful inside and out?"

Amara: "Yes, one more thing. You are a good singer."

Me: "Well, your dad is a great singer too.  Anything else that I can do great?"

Amara:    "You are very good at sleeping."


So what my girls take away from all the effort and love I put into their daily lives is that I am excellent at sleeping.   :  )  Why do mother's try so hard every day?   I guess being the best at hugging is pretty important, too. 

Goodbye Mr. Wiggles : (

A sad but triumphant day has come and gone.  Annika has been claiming to have a wiggly tooth for the past six months.   Monday morning at 5:30 am she rushed into our room and showed us how it had fallen out.  This was a huge moment for many reasons:

1) She had been talking about this tooth for six months.  It had become a sore point in our lives as I cannot imagine a tooth has ever been discussed longer or with greater intensity.  She was sure it was going to come out a week ago and even asked me to take her to a dentist.  The dentist refused to pull it out even for my sanity.   So it has stayed in another week.  After the day the dentist said it needed to fall out itself Anni has calmed down a bit.  Moved on to other topics finally.

2) She has her first adult tooth coming in!  It was already pushing up behind her other one as a "Shark Tooth" with two layers at once but now I see that full grown tooth trying to push forward into the empty space and I am facing the every day tragedy of watching your child grow up.   Who decided that those larger, lifetime teeth should be called Grown Up Teeth?  I am not ready to see her be a grown up in any way.  She is a huge fan of the Elf on the Shelf, the Tooth Fairy, and magical Gargoyles so why does she need to think she has a Adult tooth?  She doesn't need to grow up yet and I pray she doesn't for at least 6 more years.  Let her be a child until at least 12.  I know she might be taller than me by then, but that doesn't mean she has to be adult in any other ways.

3) Now she an adorable gap in her front teeth and a very wiggle Mr. Wiggles #2 right next to the gap.  This means my child might be able to legitimately sing "All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth".   A dream come true for me!    It is up there as life altering Joy moment, right next to having a small part on Scrubs as J.D's best friend from high school.  

Did you know that they celebrate Hanukkah in Sweden?

I have been driven to write a post right in the middle of decorating our Christmas tree and making an easy dinner of PBJ/Apple Sandwiches.   Amara literally knocked the wind out of both Samir and I a few moments ago.  Here is the conversation:

Amara: "Did you know where they celebrate Hanukkah? ... In Sweden!"
Samir: "Is that True?  Well I thought they are probably celebrating in Israel"
Amara: "Yeah! It is real!"

Silence and Samir and I hit the ground bent over in laughter so hard it hurts.

For my littlest one

My smallest daughter is up with me on this early morning.  She is wiggling and kicking and wishing I had eaten more yesterday.   I feel her so much.  I don't know if it is because she is my third growing child inside me or if it is just her but she seems to be very connected to me.   I felt called to wake up and write this morning and also to write to her first.

Dear Littlest One,

We have had a special few days as we celebrated Thanksgiving and Black Friday this year.  It was one of the nicest occasions we have had (with the exception that no one from my side of the family was there).   Your Kirsten Kaki did an amazing job decorating the table, and the food was the best yet.  There was a great amount of love buzzing about the kitchen and this year even the yard.  I felt so at peace and loved even though Dad asked me if I was sad that no one from my family would be there.  The thought did not even cross my mind.  As long as my daughters and husband were there I was good.  And then this morning, I realized, perhaps it was because you are with me as well.   You have such a steady and intoxicating cosmic connection to me.  I can't stop feeling you truly.   I have felt more balanced and never lonely since you came into this world.   Perhaps it is because our family will be complete.  Perhaps it is because you came into existence so powerfully after several years of feeling there was a soul missing in our family.  Our perhaps intense love is just your gift.   Whatever it is, I feel so close to you always, and so complete.   You make me a better person.  You motivate me to live life differently.  With more awareness, more drive to do what matters, less worry. 

The thought of having a new baby terrifies me sometimes, but also excites me more than anything.  I don't remember too much about how I got through the sleepless nights, or the spit up, or all the daily nursing hours.   I do remember being amazed at the squishy cuteness of my girls.  How each one was a growing bud of themselves that I had the pleasure of helping to grow.   Now that my girls are more like tiny adults than babies, it will be a different process.  I have some sense now that the baby who will pop out will already have the adult inside but is simply taking the necessary time to unfurl the woman within the child.   Not really a budding as much as some timed unveiling.  

I will love on you then even more than I can now.   However, loving you know is different than loving my other two daughters in utero.  I didn't understand the woman would be there so soon.  Now I will relish each day with the respect it deserves.  Relish each moment with all five senses.  The awareness that has arisen in me from becoming a mother is my greatest gift now.   Thank God for the ability to have children because it takes you so far outside yourself.  Takes you to being closer to the watcher and the creator inside of all of us.   Takes you closer to Yuj - oneness with God.

Love,
Ami

Up while the house sleeps

I had the blessing this morning to get out of bed while there is still night quiet going on.   Night quiet is magical to me.  I am up, in my own space, when no one else needs me, is thinking about me, or knows where I am.   Even when I was younger and I would sneak out with friends at night, it was often more about the being up in the late night or early morning that was the exciting part not actually whatever we were trying to do. 

Night quiet is even more alluring now because of the teetering moments that are waiting in the balance.  Any moment one of the dogs might start whining.  Or one of my daughters might open her door and come find me.  But for now, I was able to get out of my room with my computer and start writing at 5am!

I don't know why I don't do this more often.  It is so soothing.  I am up so often around 5am to use the restroom (or blow my nose since I am pregnant).   The writing is what wooed me this morning so I must have something to create.

tummies have a mind of their own

Yesterday morning I was dousing Annika with her now usual routine of cortizone plus aquaphor before getting dressed (treating her eczema) when her tummy started to rumble loudly. 
I asked her, "Do you have to go potty?".  
She responded confidently, "Nope.  That is just my belly.  He says he is ready for breakfast". 
I commented, "Oh,  I didn't realize your tummy was a He." 
Annika says, "Oh yes.  My tummy is a he, but Amara's is definitely a girl."    : )

Final leg of the Mondo-cation: Jersey, Baby!

The girls were very sad to leave Manhattan.  Amara was particularly sad to leave our hotel room and Annika was sad to leave all of the excitement and fun.  However, just beyond the New Jersey turnpike our extended family on the Acharya side was slowly gathering from across the country.  Throughout the weekend we had various siblings and cousins make the trek to Somerset, NJ.   The longest travelers were the family members from Columbus, Montana (population 2,500) unless you count my uncle who joined in from Bangalore, India via both the Skype Video Monitor and Phone.  We literally were able to place him a chair while everyone came to talk him for about an hour.  Technology has come so far.   Just 15 years ago my mom only spoke to her mother and siblings once a month because the cost was too high around several dollars/minute to talk.  Now, you can talk to India unlimited for $40 dollars a month.  $40 was the price of one 20 minute phone call before.  So now, my mother not only gets to talk her family, she actually keeps up with what they eat and wear each day if they have time to update each other.   : )

I digressed from the reunion.  It was the usual blast with laughs and three generations of family all getting together under one roof.   Most of us Gen2ers stayed at a nearby hotel (Amara was thrilled again) and we all comingled at lunch and dinner.  It is amazing that we have not only been getting together at differing spots for the past eight years, but that in between these bi-annual reunions, we all still find time to see each other in smaller groups.

The first reunion happened after my uncle passed away.  He was the patriarch of the family and had most of us come through his home in Buffalo, NY.  He was basically Ellis Island and his wife was Lady Liberty holding the torch of welcoming the newest family members.   The love they both openly gave to all of their siblings and the food, shelter, clothing, and physical support literally built a web that connects even the third generation.  Buffalo is still a key gathering place and a gate to many happy memories for all of us who have called it home at some point.  Thanks Arun Mama, Harsha Mami, Minu, and Namita, for never turning us away.   You gave up your privacy, normalcy, and independent lives but for that price you built an army of people who would do anything for you. 

NYC with the girls

This post will be about capturing our 3 days in Manhattan.  A key element of the Mondocation's success was to spend Tuesday evening through Friday afternoon in NYC with the girls.   Samir had grand plans of walking the streets and taking in the "energy of the city" with them but just 5 minutes into the "energy" both girls said they wanted to go home.  As all good parents who are faced with a botched plan do, we had swiftly change our course.   Initially we were planning MOMA and Little Italy and Soho and 5th Avenue, to be able to share some of our favorite parts of the City with our daughters but we had to settle for a hybrid of a Disney Adventure with NYC.  In the end, our trip was fantastic and I highly recommend something similar to any parent who wants to expose their kid to big city life on a smooth and happy route.

1) Stay in Hell's Kitchen.   Ideally Ink48.   An ideal boutique hotel that is pet friendly (i.e. free kid entertainment in the lobby), has sizable rooms, and is consistently clean/comfortable.  You get amazing restaurants within 2 blocks of your hotel.  Definitely go to Je&Jo's ice cream and coffee as well as the Sullivan Street Bakery for their famous bread/pastries/pizza.   Ink48 which was incredibly accommodating to our girls, had fantastic staff, and we had a fabulous king room with room for air mattresses with luxury bedding provided by the hotel for the girls.   The best part was the girl took a bath in the HUGE granite edged tub.  Amara said her very favorite thing about New York was taking a bath in the main part of the room while looking at the city light and watching TV.

2) Let your kids no ahead of time that most of the city streets, especially Times Square, is uber crowded but very safe.  We forgot to warn them and did not pack a stroller.  They were in tears about two hours in from the shock and chaos.   They got over it but still much preferred cab rides to walking busy streets. I had no idea that Times Square is so kid friendly.  Street Performers. M&M world (Annika's favorite memory of New York as told to Samir's Dad).  A humungo two story Disney Store.

3) Take in part of each day in a non-crowded area.   Our first day we did not do this and it was a mistake.  On day two, we meandered through the Central Park Zoo which had many beautiful exhibits and architectural features but the best one by far was the 27 year old Polar Bear who was doing laps in his pool.  We all LOVED the polar bear.  He swam with immense power and grace and had these huge paws that looked both incredibly snuggly and deadly at the same time.   The opposing qualities of him were what I found the most fascinating.  Actually ended up bringing a stuffed version home.   On day three, we spent 3 hours in Central Park.  The $90 1 hour carriage ride is completely worth it because your driver gives you all this great history of the park and its monuments and you get to take in the view with a breeze while your kids feel they are riding in Cinderalla's coach.  Our also told us where the best restrooms were which was worth $10 for that info alone.    There are great artists doing face paint, glitter tattoos, sketches around the park.  Annika got a tri-colored glitter dove on her arm and Amara got a tri-colored glitter penguin from a beautiful, strong, kind Croatian woman who got her Professional Make-Up License from Milan.  Or at least that was her story.  I believe her and was completely absorbed into the beauty of her glitter-filled make up box and the stories she told her in lilting voice about the past 13 years she has been working in Central Park. 

4)  See a Broadway Musical or some version of performance.   There is a reason the best performers live in New York.  We saw Mary Poppins with Bert played by the original actor from England's West End and the Mary from the original Broadway in the US.  Both of them exuded a magic that fit each role perfectly.  I was literally brought to tears of joy multiple times during the musical.  My soul was happy and stretched in a way that only art can stretch you. 

5) All kids will love the Natural History Museum.  It was only open from 10 - 5 and we didn't go in until 1:30pm and the 4 hours we spent their flew by.  The girls loved exploring the Baoboa tree in the Discovery Center and I loved the Bioluminescent exhibit which was set to look like a summer evening after dark that explained how and why Fireflies glow.  Samir loves the HUGE dinosaur skeletons in the entry way.   A small perk and strong recommendation.  They will give a wheelchair to you to haul your exhausted kids in.   The museum is miles and miles inside so it makes sense to either bring a stroller or borrow a wheelchair.  They have plenty.   Also, avoid the large gangs of kids in matching T-shirts on a field trip. 


At the end of three days in Manhattan by girls are both much more savvy about crossing streets, how to talk to strangers, how to handle yourself in a crowd, how to appreciate great street food,  understanding how city life is home to many different socio-economic types of people, how NYC is a melting pot of cultures, different types of architecture,  how the Statue of Liberty stands for Freedom, how to use a knife and fork and take bread and water in a fancy restaurant, and of course, how fun boutique hotels can be.   Best quotes below:

Annika inside the Plaza Hotel,  "Yes, I think this is where I will get married.  This is a great place to have a wedding." 

Amara upon entering our hotel room at Ink48, "This is New York?  I love New York!  I never ever want to leave New York!" 

Samir after walking with the girls for 10 blocks in New York's busy streets on Day one, "Maybe my plan of sharing my favorite parts of New York with the girls is not going to work".

Me after 3 days of being there, "Samir, I am so glad you pushed us to do this.  It was an amazing family trip we will all remember". 

Samir is cookie monster so I guess that makes me the weird Elmo

I finally updated the picture on this blog after....wait for it... after... after... 5 years!  Some people don't even stay married as long as this blog has been without an appropriate photo.   I have been looking for a picture from our digital camera that has all four of us making decent faces.  However, as the new photo of the girls in Times Square shows, after 6 years of having children, I still don't have a decent digital photo on one of our cameras of the four us.  I have many beautiful photos of all of us, but somehow never on our camera.   So I ended up posting this photo with fake Elmo (F-Elmo per Samir) and fake Cookie Moster (Fookie Monster).  Annika begged us to take this picture with the nice men in the monster suits. After walking 2 miles in NYC busy streets with nothing fun or kid-like around she was thrilled to see these Sesame Street Monsters.   

I never meant for this photo to look like a real family photo but it somehow fits the title of "Kulkarni Family".   Samir swiftly stated that he was Fookie Monster so I guess that leaves me to be the weird-faced Felmo.  I can live with that.  At least there is a picture of the four of us after all these years.

Uh..hello? Its 2012 Ami

Apparently July and August are the only times of the year where I make time to post on this blog.  One of my new goals is to really appreciate the space this blog gives me.  The space to document.  The space to create.  The space to enjoy and relish the daily pleasures of life.   I don't know how many times I have written that I want to write more but this time is different because I NEED to write more.  I feel that I need to write the same way I need to run.  It is gutterral and as necessary as food and light and water and love. 

We just returned from our second Mondo-cation (a term Samir coined so eloquently) and this time it was a success!  We drove from Cincinnati to Bethesda, MD to visit one of my very best friends then to NYC to experience Manhattan in some of our favorite ways then to a huge family reunion on my mother's side in New Jersey.   We drove a total of about 30 hours during the trip but truly enjoyed most of the driving part.   I will try and write a bit about each part of our trip this week.  Today I will go in depth about our stay near DC.

In Bethesda, we stayed with my friend Nutan and her husband and two kids and two dogs and had the most amazing time.   We even got to meet and hang out with her kids Nanny, Pam.   Staying in their home for four nights/day gave me a chance to appreciate my friend in a completely new way.  I found myself amazed at her efficiency, simpleness, ability to prioritize joy, and how she made time for others and found balance in the fullness of her life.  I still don't know how she balances her challenging career as a CFO for the government with raising her two young sons and being a fun wife, friend, sister, daughter but somehow she does.

Below are the secrets I learned from staying with her that I hope to embrace more:

1) Make time for fun - Each day she makes sure there is something that both she and her boys enjoy in her days with them.  She also enjoys a glass of wine each night and relishes her morning coffee.  She gets dressed fast so she has more time to enjoy whatever she is doing.  She walks with confidence and joy and loves her husband and kids with vigor. 

2) Don't lose energy on necessary responsibilities - whether it is walking her dogs or watering her lawn or getting dinner ready, she easily moves from task to task without much rework or doubt.  She is swift, like a little fairy, moving with ease.

3) Keep your home life simple - she does not overcomplicate her pantry or closets with things she might need.  She keeps the basics and does not stress about whether she is prepared or not.   For example, she has about 8 coffee cups in her life, 3 of which mean something to her.  I have about 30 coffee/tea cups and only two of them mean something to me.  I like her ratio better.

4) Prioritize what is needed right now-  She does not apologize for wanting to take a nap or needing a snack or getting frustrated.  She is present to her own needs which makes her so much more aware of the moment. She also doesn't waste time on what she might need later.  Later is later.  Now is now.  Figure out now, now.   I spend so much time thinking about whats next I often lose sight of what is right now. 

Thank you Nutan for being my Best-y for the past 20+ years.  You always seem to bring out the best in me and now we can even share our families in the joy of our giggling friendship.