Working on Waiting....

I have nine days left until my induction date but calling me "antsy"  would be an understatement.  For the past two weeks I have been on edge/hopeful that our newest daughter is going to come early.   I have been experiencing many contractions every evening for the past two weeks.   They are medium in strength but seem to subside when I try to fall asleep.  Twice I have counted contractions that are 8 - 12 minutes apart for about 2 hours.   They are not getting to the magic 5 - 7 minutes apart that I need to go into labor.  I learned this last Saturday when I went to hospital thinking she was making her entrance but sent home as I was not dilating enough (only 1 cm).   I came home and proceeded to vomit for a few hours and still continue with medium level painful contractions.  They subsided at 4am when I was post-vomit and praying to God to please make the pain go away if there was no baby coming.  There is a larger theme here of something I am struggling with for the first time.  Since this pregnancy, I have started to feel a sense of "betrayal" from my body.   Perhaps it is because I am almost 34.  Perhaps it is because this is the 3rd baby.  Perhaps it is because I felt so strong coming off of running a half marathon and now I feel weak and stretched out.   Either way, I need to get it together and change my mindset from frustrated and waiting to appreciative and surrendering.  

I was speaking about this frustrated feeling to someone recently and they suggested I consider that this pregnancy and this baby will be a step-change for me to accept what I cannot change.  An act of surrendering.   I have tried mentally doing this and even have made major strides to ask for help in ways I could not before.  However, I still feel the daily/hourly/ resistance inside me.   I am drafting this blog note as a partial "Ode to Surrendering" hoping to put into the universe that I am waving my white flag.   Below is what a list of what I hope to accept and find ways to appreciate.

1) I accept that I cannot control when she arrives other than setting an induction date in the 39th week.  So I am committing to finding ways to enjoy the days that are left such as spending more time with the girls, creating some sort of project/gift so they feel truly unique and loved before a new child enters our life and disrupts the current pattern.   I would like to reduce my working this week to drastically less.  Mentally transition from constant worry and effort at Solica to putting more effort and thought into our home, this baby, our girls, and maybe even a little time on me.  Perhaps this extra time is a gift from my littlest sweetheart so I take some time to prepare and refresh.   Like the day before the long run when you just relax, walk a bit, and eat well.    A-ha!  I have a theme.  The theme the each day before baby arrives will be Delight.  Such a rare priority.

2) I accept that I will continue to be uncomfortable/painful for awhile.  Besides the leg cramps, waking up every 45 minutes at night, the contractions, the back pain, and the difficulty breathing, there is more discomfort/pain that will come before it all subsides.   For the past 2 days I have been sick with some cold/flu that has me hacking, sneezing, and with a fever.   Not sure how long this will last.  Her head is engaged and I am already dilated and effaced so her movements hurt a lot more as well.  Of course, then there is the pain of real labor is coming.  And recovery from tearing/stitches/weeks of bleeding.   Somehow seeing it all in writing helps minimize it.  I hereby commit to re-framing my attitude.  Being thankful for the discomfort as my body is being pushed.   It is a sign that I am alive and being stretched to new levels.  Growing in my capacity and wisdom.  I am thankful that my body can hold and birth a new life as it has.  I am thankful for this time as an insight to what serious aging might be like.   Chronic joint or bone pain.   Being forced to walk slowly, ask for help, have trouble lifting heavy things.  No wonder people often get grumpier as they age.   This time is a window of understanding to all those in the world with far more severe chronic discomfort/pain.  I am lucky that mine is expected to subside in just a few weeks/months.

3) I accept that my body will not look strong, fit, or classically attractive for at least a few months.   Between nursing, trying to re-firm my midsection, and just the time it takes to recover from birthing, I will not feel like a hottie mama for awhile.   But that is okay.  I gave up my body to create a new life.  To allow our family to hold more love.   Everything is created from something and part of creating this new person is that some of me is gone.  My boobs may not be perky anymore.  My balance and sanity will be impacted for awhile.  Who knows what else.   But I made a choice to create more life and love and that is worth so much more.   Thank God I had a choice.  So many people want more love and life and are not able to create more children.   I know all those families would definitely give of themselves if they could.  It is a blessing to have some of me chipped away and I should see my changes as a badge of honor.   Medals for courage and compassion.   I will accept the hilarious body that is post-birth and enjoy watching as I work to see what can yet be molded out of it.  Hopefully I can accept that my husband will also see me the same way I am striving to see myself.