As a family of five, Samir and I are starting to do things differently. This year our annual holiday party was completed in a non-traditional format for us. Our traditional format has been to invite family, friends, employees, and business associates whose company we enjoy. This group was typically in the range of 50 - 75 people each year. Below is a contrast between the two. I am not sure which one I prefer but thought it was worth exercise of capturing the differences.
Our old format included a formal printed invitation, a valet to deal with the 25+ cars on our shared, narrow driveway, 5 - 7 appetizer dishes, 3 -5 entree dishes, and 5 - 7 dessert options (all prepared by us). It included a full bar including wines and craft beers. There was a ton of wasted alcohol and food at the end of every party. The party cost was well over a $1,000 all in. Some of the highlights was welcoming new friends to our home for the first time. Hoping around and trying to connect with 60 or so individuals in 5 minutes or less. Getting dolled up in some festive holiday swag. The drama of hosting that many people and trying to show everyone a good time was part of the appeal and positive stress. I also loved the feeling of having the1st floor completely jammed with people. I think the intrigue of this comes from a subconscious desire to mimic what a great party from high school-from college-from a movie looks like. Whenever I have attended parties where rooms are jammed with people I have not enjoyed them or remembered much due to the alcohol and general craziness. They definitely have not been with gourmet food or drink. The concept that we had so many people over while also trying to offer a full foodie experience is insane. Genuinely certifiable.
This year's party was almost a non-occurrence. In the fatigue of a working mother who is adjusting to having three girls, I asked to raise the white flag this year. My sister and my husband were both so sad that we wouldn't be able to maintain our holiday tradition. I considered another option of scaling it back. But could I? Scaling back is not something I have ever successfully done in my life. Instead of scaling back, I typically transfer that energy into something new and even more challenging. Leaving 60 - 70 hour work weeks at P&G turned into medical school for even more hours. 2 dogs turned to three dogs. Two kids turned to three kids once the first two became manageable at ages 5 and 7. I had to be very specific with myself on what a scaled back party could be. Truthfully, scaled back is probably not the correct term. Narrowed. Focused. A more intentional gathering focusing on quality. To incentivize myself to keep the number to 8 - 12 people over for an intimate dinner, I imagined one long table with all the guests seated together. Still the number for the party was 15 individuals. Instead of fancy, printed invites for $300 total, I splurged on a very elegant and experiential Evite from Paperless post for a cool $12 total. Time saved here was 5-6 hours. Then the food approached in a unique way. We committed to make everything from scratch. Eight separate dishes were prepared between the two of us and served hot and plated formally during the three courses. Suprisingly we were able to complete all the cooking in less then 5 hours. The 13 guests were all folks we care for deeply and easily so it was stressful. Below are some highlights.
1) Everyone at the party was involved in getting the appetizers out at some point in the early evening. The kitchen hummed with olive oil and so many hands.
2) A sweet and thoughtful toast from my husband.
3) Taking a few photos together.
4) Not even attempting to wear high heels.
5) Clean up help from Carrie, Kim, and a few others.
6) Actually being prepared when folks arrived.
7) Putting out all the yummy foods we had planned.
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Friday, September 27, 2013
A lost fish
Both of my big girls have transitioned to school this year better than ever. Annika has really enjoyed some of the new kids who have joined her class. Amara is surprisingly comfortable with being in kindergarten all day since it is the same teacher Annika had. However, the other day Amara said the cutest thing to me in the car on the way to school, "Mom, when you drop me off I feel like a fish. Like a fish in a big ocean who is lost." This made my heart warm and also feel heavy. Heavy for hearing the sadness in her voice. Warm from hearing her find her words and express them in such a poetic way. Or perhaps she has watched Finding Nemo recently and it is sitting in her subconscious. Regardless I was touched.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Holiday inspirations
I started writing in my "Dear Aria" letter this week and was hit with a fun inspiration that was relevant to all three girls so I thought it might be family blog appropriate. I was trying to describe to Aria how much I love her and how amazing she is and I realized she reminds me of Christmas. In the next breath I felt so clearly that Annika reminds me of Easter and Amara of Halloween. Below are a few words explaining why.
Aria is definitely Christmas because she exudes a very "Santa Claus" quality. Jolly, round, big happy cheeks, cheerful eyes that squint into rainbows when she smiles. She is an amalgamation of Christmas. The smell of gingerbread, the feel of squishy sherpa-lined fabrics, the shine of large, round, red ornaments, the sticky sweet of a candy cane, and oh the singing! She sings all day, every day. She sings when she is happy. She sings to get your attention. She sings to say thank you. She is a constant caroler.
Annika is my Easter. She a my bright-eyed, busy bunny always into crafts and cookies. Her mind is like a spool of many different ribbons, darting between bright polkadots and rainbow stripes. She feels like a new spring dress, still crisp and crinkly, as you walk through dewey grass on a cool, damp morning. She is Pastel. Vivid, enchanting, but always soft and forgiving. She is bouncy and swingy, with curls done up in ribbon. Annika is the early blue bird, out searching and planning while the rest of us still open our eyes. She sees the best in people and brings kindness to any situation.
Amara is Halloween. She is magic and sparkle, wonder and awe. She is a trick of the eye, a flick of the wrist and poof! A dark dragon turned into a shimmering fairy. She holds all of the rainbow set against a black velvet cloth. She is movement. The hunt, the game, the challenge, the sweet reward of a job well done. She is a sugar rush and yet also the tart of a green apple. Amara is the intensity of a fall day. She is the whoosh of back-to-school, wearing jeans and boots on a hayride, drinking cider into dark evenings. She is the heavy, deep sun against the shadow of curling, orange leaves. She is the the edge of your collar that feels the both the tingle of the cool breeze and the warmth of your sweatshirt. Amara is the contentment of the first bite of fresh, grilled corn - smokey, crispy-char ending in bursting sweetness.
Aria is definitely Christmas because she exudes a very "Santa Claus" quality. Jolly, round, big happy cheeks, cheerful eyes that squint into rainbows when she smiles. She is an amalgamation of Christmas. The smell of gingerbread, the feel of squishy sherpa-lined fabrics, the shine of large, round, red ornaments, the sticky sweet of a candy cane, and oh the singing! She sings all day, every day. She sings when she is happy. She sings to get your attention. She sings to say thank you. She is a constant caroler.
Annika is my Easter. She a my bright-eyed, busy bunny always into crafts and cookies. Her mind is like a spool of many different ribbons, darting between bright polkadots and rainbow stripes. She feels like a new spring dress, still crisp and crinkly, as you walk through dewey grass on a cool, damp morning. She is Pastel. Vivid, enchanting, but always soft and forgiving. She is bouncy and swingy, with curls done up in ribbon. Annika is the early blue bird, out searching and planning while the rest of us still open our eyes. She sees the best in people and brings kindness to any situation.
Amara is Halloween. She is magic and sparkle, wonder and awe. She is a trick of the eye, a flick of the wrist and poof! A dark dragon turned into a shimmering fairy. She holds all of the rainbow set against a black velvet cloth. She is movement. The hunt, the game, the challenge, the sweet reward of a job well done. She is a sugar rush and yet also the tart of a green apple. Amara is the intensity of a fall day. She is the whoosh of back-to-school, wearing jeans and boots on a hayride, drinking cider into dark evenings. She is the heavy, deep sun against the shadow of curling, orange leaves. She is the the edge of your collar that feels the both the tingle of the cool breeze and the warmth of your sweatshirt. Amara is the contentment of the first bite of fresh, grilled corn - smokey, crispy-char ending in bursting sweetness.
Monday, August 26, 2013
Pity Laugh
I have been swamped in the world of "Newborn Baby-dom". This is a world with no pauses or breaks and often a shower only ever two days (on a rare occasion three). I have not blogged much since becoming a mother to three on march 26, 2013 but yesterday's moment had to be captured.
Aria is a big giggler and a happy baby. She was giggling herself into hysteria over some funny face/sound effect that Samir was doing. After two minutes of Aria givign steady, out loud giggles, "hahahahaha...Aaaahhh hahahahaha" and a series of raspberries into the air, Samir suggested I try it. So I tried to make her giggle that hard as well. And I got a pity laugh from her. "Ha-ha". She said it but didn't even mean it! She may have even rolled her eyes a bit as she looked over to Samir for emotional validation that her Mom was a cuckoo. What a little bugger !?!
Aria is a big giggler and a happy baby. She was giggling herself into hysteria over some funny face/sound effect that Samir was doing. After two minutes of Aria givign steady, out loud giggles, "hahahahaha...Aaaahhh hahahahaha" and a series of raspberries into the air, Samir suggested I try it. So I tried to make her giggle that hard as well. And I got a pity laugh from her. "Ha-ha". She said it but didn't even mean it! She may have even rolled her eyes a bit as she looked over to Samir for emotional validation that her Mom was a cuckoo. What a little bugger !?!
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
34 is old enough
Recently I told someone how I was looking forward to turning 40 because I have read that is when women finally get comfortable and confident with their true selves. This concept is mentioned many times in articles in Oprah, More, etc. Today I met a physician/professor who is the head of Family Med at UC. Talking to her and realizing that I would have graduated two weeks ago as an MD if I had stayed in medical school made me reflect upon what all has transposed in the past 4 years...
I turned 30 right before entering UCMed. It started on August 15 2009. Getting into the only medical school I applied to and on my first attempt lit within me a sense of Faith.
Samir's mom had passed away a few months before in February 2009. The shock of losing her and watching Dad fall apart and then rebuild himself taught me Humbleness.
Dropping out of medical school in my first year was devastating and threw me into a whirlwind of questioning my career and greater purpose. Reality bit me truly when I was forced to accept my Limits. I am not the superwoman I dreamed I could be.
The chaos of next few months landed me assisting Samir with our business. The first six months were grueling for both of us as we forged together our skills and strengths in the world of business. It was almost as painful as combining into a family from individuals after a marriage. 2010 was a year of Compromise.
Compromise is best pursued when their is Balance and becoming a yoga teacher was the best single investment I have ever done for myself. The daily grounding of meditation and spiritual study helped me feel how to exist with Balance for the first time ever.
Building the steam into our business' engine and raising our cute toddlers into sweet girls both took the same skill of Fortitude.
Watching Samir's dad remarry triggered Samir to finally deal with the loss of his mother. This brought about a very difficult time in our lives which taught both of us Acceptance. Acceptance of what we cannot control.
Connecting with the vision of a third child and deciding to try expanding our family and responsibilities took great Courage.
It has been an eventful four years to say the least. I did not get my MD but I did complete a new bachelors degree in life experiences with the forever gifts of Faith, Humbleness, Limits, Compromise, Balance, Fortitude, Acceptance, and Courage.
Currently, my mindspace is preoccupied with Hope. I hope to be a good and present mother to my three daughters. I hope to invest in and enjoy my marriage. I hope to get back to my previous level of fitness and leaner physique. I hope to work in a business area that rewards and responds to my creativity and passion. I hope to write a book, or two. I hope to consult back to improve medical care and patient communication. I hope to launch my own business that entices patients into a higher level of self care. But I don't want to just hope. And I don't want to wait until I am 40 to act with conviction. I give myself a Mantra as a gift on my 34th birthday - "just do it". Perhaps it will turn into the habit of Completion. There is an emptiness is this area, that is except in the realm of my own family. 5 is Complete. : )
I turned 30 right before entering UCMed. It started on August 15 2009. Getting into the only medical school I applied to and on my first attempt lit within me a sense of Faith.
Samir's mom had passed away a few months before in February 2009. The shock of losing her and watching Dad fall apart and then rebuild himself taught me Humbleness.
Dropping out of medical school in my first year was devastating and threw me into a whirlwind of questioning my career and greater purpose. Reality bit me truly when I was forced to accept my Limits. I am not the superwoman I dreamed I could be.
The chaos of next few months landed me assisting Samir with our business. The first six months were grueling for both of us as we forged together our skills and strengths in the world of business. It was almost as painful as combining into a family from individuals after a marriage. 2010 was a year of Compromise.
Compromise is best pursued when their is Balance and becoming a yoga teacher was the best single investment I have ever done for myself. The daily grounding of meditation and spiritual study helped me feel how to exist with Balance for the first time ever.
Building the steam into our business' engine and raising our cute toddlers into sweet girls both took the same skill of Fortitude.
Watching Samir's dad remarry triggered Samir to finally deal with the loss of his mother. This brought about a very difficult time in our lives which taught both of us Acceptance. Acceptance of what we cannot control.
Connecting with the vision of a third child and deciding to try expanding our family and responsibilities took great Courage.
It has been an eventful four years to say the least. I did not get my MD but I did complete a new bachelors degree in life experiences with the forever gifts of Faith, Humbleness, Limits, Compromise, Balance, Fortitude, Acceptance, and Courage.
Currently, my mindspace is preoccupied with Hope. I hope to be a good and present mother to my three daughters. I hope to invest in and enjoy my marriage. I hope to get back to my previous level of fitness and leaner physique. I hope to work in a business area that rewards and responds to my creativity and passion. I hope to write a book, or two. I hope to consult back to improve medical care and patient communication. I hope to launch my own business that entices patients into a higher level of self care. But I don't want to just hope. And I don't want to wait until I am 40 to act with conviction. I give myself a Mantra as a gift on my 34th birthday - "just do it". Perhaps it will turn into the habit of Completion. There is an emptiness is this area, that is except in the realm of my own family. 5 is Complete. : )
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Aria - 8 weeks old
Aria is already waking up for the third time since 1am but I wanted to quickly jot down a few special things about her at this sweet squishy age of 8 weeks old.
Her cry - Aria is rarely in a rage. She typically builds into a cry from small squeaks and "ahs" and "hu-uhs". She calms down as soon as she hears a voice.
Snuggling - She loves to be snuggled and held close. If she is in someone's arms she is content 99% of the time. She has started rubbing her nose and face into my shoulder when she is super tired or wants to get out a burp. When her head is in the crook of my neck, my cheek to her forehead, she is so soft and quiet. She falls asleep like this almost purring with a snortled breath. Recently I have started rubbing her soft, silky baby hair with my fingers.
Falling asleep - Once she is fed, burped, done being awake, she falls asleep on my should within 5 minutes. These days she prefers to fall asleep vertically and does not like being swaddled but does like have a blanket near her face and head. She also likes her feet covered in a blanket ideally when she is falling asleep.
Her Eyes - She has so many different eye expressions. Her morning eyes are bright and alert. Round, big, happy. Her eyes look more like mine and annikas then amara's to me. When she is tired, I call her eyes, "Zombie eyes". They are fixed on a gaze but not focused on anything. Within 2 - 3 minutes of Zombie eyes she is asleep.
Her Smile - She loves to coo and smile and us. She loves her Lion King painting, her play mat, staring at me, my mom, Samir, Kim, but most of all her sisters. Anni and Amara amaze her.
Her cry - Aria is rarely in a rage. She typically builds into a cry from small squeaks and "ahs" and "hu-uhs". She calms down as soon as she hears a voice.
Snuggling - She loves to be snuggled and held close. If she is in someone's arms she is content 99% of the time. She has started rubbing her nose and face into my shoulder when she is super tired or wants to get out a burp. When her head is in the crook of my neck, my cheek to her forehead, she is so soft and quiet. She falls asleep like this almost purring with a snortled breath. Recently I have started rubbing her soft, silky baby hair with my fingers.
Falling asleep - Once she is fed, burped, done being awake, she falls asleep on my should within 5 minutes. These days she prefers to fall asleep vertically and does not like being swaddled but does like have a blanket near her face and head. She also likes her feet covered in a blanket ideally when she is falling asleep.
Her Eyes - She has so many different eye expressions. Her morning eyes are bright and alert. Round, big, happy. Her eyes look more like mine and annikas then amara's to me. When she is tired, I call her eyes, "Zombie eyes". They are fixed on a gaze but not focused on anything. Within 2 - 3 minutes of Zombie eyes she is asleep.
Her Smile - She loves to coo and smile and us. She loves her Lion King painting, her play mat, staring at me, my mom, Samir, Kim, but most of all her sisters. Anni and Amara amaze her.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Mothers Day 2013
Samir pointed out this morning that today is my sixth Mother's Day. What an odd feeling. I could not believe I have only six. It seems so much longer. I counted the years and he was correct. We have been together almost 13 years and 6 of them as parents. How funny life and time are. In the rear view mirror, things are closer than they appear.
What a glorious morning I had. After 40 days of sleeping an average of 4 - 5 hours, I had the luxury of sleeping from 11 - 5 and then again from 7 - 9. My brain is rushing around thinking of all the projects and moments I want to tackle with this new energy. Of course, the smarter thing to do with my time is write and go for a walk. Nothing recharges me more then these two. In fact, going for a walk in Glenwood Gardens was all I asked for Mothers Day. Thankfully, God has blessed us with a sunny and cool day. Perfect for walking : )
I did receive several wonderful gifts though. I loved the gift from Samir - an upstairs water cooler with delicious water in a five gallon jug. It can even be heated for instant tea water. And I also loved the gift from my girls (really equally from Kim) of a beautiful, thoughtful, and brightly colored book they wrote and illustrated called, "If you were..." where I am depicted as many sweet animals and how they would see me. Two beautiful cards and breakfast of tea, raspberries, and marmalade toast was icing on the cake. A myriad of texts from friends and family "Mothers" are the sprinkles.
Annika could not stop saying, "happy mother's day!". Amara kept saying, "I don't want any arguing on Mothers Day, everyone must listen to Mom." Even Aria cooed some delightful happy sounds at me. She is just up from a nice 90 minute nap, so off I go to nurse her and then give her a warm bath with hopes of her taking another calm nap from 3 - 5:30.
Thank you God, Family, and forces of nature for such a blessed day. I feel much appreciated.
What a glorious morning I had. After 40 days of sleeping an average of 4 - 5 hours, I had the luxury of sleeping from 11 - 5 and then again from 7 - 9. My brain is rushing around thinking of all the projects and moments I want to tackle with this new energy. Of course, the smarter thing to do with my time is write and go for a walk. Nothing recharges me more then these two. In fact, going for a walk in Glenwood Gardens was all I asked for Mothers Day. Thankfully, God has blessed us with a sunny and cool day. Perfect for walking : )
I did receive several wonderful gifts though. I loved the gift from Samir - an upstairs water cooler with delicious water in a five gallon jug. It can even be heated for instant tea water. And I also loved the gift from my girls (really equally from Kim) of a beautiful, thoughtful, and brightly colored book they wrote and illustrated called, "If you were..." where I am depicted as many sweet animals and how they would see me. Two beautiful cards and breakfast of tea, raspberries, and marmalade toast was icing on the cake. A myriad of texts from friends and family "Mothers" are the sprinkles.
Annika could not stop saying, "happy mother's day!". Amara kept saying, "I don't want any arguing on Mothers Day, everyone must listen to Mom." Even Aria cooed some delightful happy sounds at me. She is just up from a nice 90 minute nap, so off I go to nurse her and then give her a warm bath with hopes of her taking another calm nap from 3 - 5:30.
Thank you God, Family, and forces of nature for such a blessed day. I feel much appreciated.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
The day our kids were more responsible then us
A quick post to document a day I am both proud and embarrassed about: on Friday, April 22nd I awoke at 7:46 am after a rough night with Aria. I looked at the clock and awoke a startled Samir. "Is it okay if the girls skip school today - its almost 7:50 and neither of us are up!". His response, "Yes that is fine. It is just one day. What happened? Usually Annika comes in our room at 7:15 at the latest?"
(Before Aria we would both be up and dressed before 7am in order to get the girls ready by 8 and leave for school).
I open the door to look for the girls and find them both completely dressed for school in the outfits we laid out (with socks!), with their hair brushed as well as their teeth brushed. They were quietly playing in the upstairs play room.
Astonished and touched are the words that come to mind. Overwhelmed mom and dad were ready to skip school and yet our sweet angels had got themselves ready - what a great and powerful moment. Were able to get to school just 5 minutes late. Good thing I didn't open the door and start talking about staying home from school until after I saw them. : )
(Before Aria we would both be up and dressed before 7am in order to get the girls ready by 8 and leave for school).
I open the door to look for the girls and find them both completely dressed for school in the outfits we laid out (with socks!), with their hair brushed as well as their teeth brushed. They were quietly playing in the upstairs play room.
Astonished and touched are the words that come to mind. Overwhelmed mom and dad were ready to skip school and yet our sweet angels had got themselves ready - what a great and powerful moment. Were able to get to school just 5 minutes late. Good thing I didn't open the door and start talking about staying home from school until after I saw them. : )
A new dawn...
Aria is here. Our last daughter (at least that is what we believe) came into the world yesterday and our family feels complete. It was a magical process full of many great and new moments. A few of the surprises were:
1) Our delivery was induced, which was very different than I expected. I had to be induced even after having many false labor contractions. We started a little bit of the induction drugs around 7am but I only moved from 2cm to 4cm over 8 hours. However, I progressed from 4 cm to 10cm in an hour. I pushed for about 20 minutes and she was born at 3:33pm. Every child really has their own path and she did not come the two weeks early I expected.
2) We had fantastic labor nurses. They were strong, positive, and healing. Laboring was relaxed and fun with their help. The one that helped me the most snuck me a few sips of diet coke and was 37 weeks pregnant herself!
3) Dads are no longer allowed to be in the room for epidurals. : ( So sad to learn about this because it is always a little scary and I almost had a new nurse who was learning put in my epidural. She had been doing it for less than two weeks. Given I had a history of not-great epidurals, I spoke up and said no but no one even asked me. I kind of just looked over my back and realized what was about to happen. Net - It made me appreciate how great it is to have Samir in the room. I can't imagine the delivery experience of in the old days where Dads were often not there.
4) Another weird thing with the Epi - It mostly went into the right side of me and I could move my left leg and feel on the left side during the delivery. I told the nurse practioner who put it in that I felt it shoot into the right side and not much on the left when they first put it in. It was more discomfort then pain so it really turned out to be a positive as I could feel the contractions pretty well. This helped me push. The epidural started to hit my lungs and cause breathing issues as they usually do but this time I was savvy enough to disagree with the nurses and decide to sit up instead of lie down as they recommend. This kept the medicine mostly in my lower half where it helps with the pain.
5) Dr. Gardner encouraged me to watch the pushing/delivery process and brought the mirror over. I was very scared and said no initially but she was so confident that I would love it so I decied to look. It was probably the most amazing thing I have ever seen with my eyes. I can't find words to explain the miracle of watching a new life emerge, especially one that I have been caring for inside me for 10 months.
6) Aria arrived into the world with the cord wrapped twice around her neck but strong and calm. I knew she would be larger then the others but I didn't expect the almost 8 lbs and the almost 22 inches! She emodies elegance, peace, and strength already. Samir and I both instantly felt that she had always been part of our family. It is an unusual feeling but I believe our family is complete now.
1) Our delivery was induced, which was very different than I expected. I had to be induced even after having many false labor contractions. We started a little bit of the induction drugs around 7am but I only moved from 2cm to 4cm over 8 hours. However, I progressed from 4 cm to 10cm in an hour. I pushed for about 20 minutes and she was born at 3:33pm. Every child really has their own path and she did not come the two weeks early I expected.
2) We had fantastic labor nurses. They were strong, positive, and healing. Laboring was relaxed and fun with their help. The one that helped me the most snuck me a few sips of diet coke and was 37 weeks pregnant herself!
3) Dads are no longer allowed to be in the room for epidurals. : ( So sad to learn about this because it is always a little scary and I almost had a new nurse who was learning put in my epidural. She had been doing it for less than two weeks. Given I had a history of not-great epidurals, I spoke up and said no but no one even asked me. I kind of just looked over my back and realized what was about to happen. Net - It made me appreciate how great it is to have Samir in the room. I can't imagine the delivery experience of in the old days where Dads were often not there.
4) Another weird thing with the Epi - It mostly went into the right side of me and I could move my left leg and feel on the left side during the delivery. I told the nurse practioner who put it in that I felt it shoot into the right side and not much on the left when they first put it in. It was more discomfort then pain so it really turned out to be a positive as I could feel the contractions pretty well. This helped me push. The epidural started to hit my lungs and cause breathing issues as they usually do but this time I was savvy enough to disagree with the nurses and decide to sit up instead of lie down as they recommend. This kept the medicine mostly in my lower half where it helps with the pain.
5) Dr. Gardner encouraged me to watch the pushing/delivery process and brought the mirror over. I was very scared and said no initially but she was so confident that I would love it so I decied to look. It was probably the most amazing thing I have ever seen with my eyes. I can't find words to explain the miracle of watching a new life emerge, especially one that I have been caring for inside me for 10 months.
6) Aria arrived into the world with the cord wrapped twice around her neck but strong and calm. I knew she would be larger then the others but I didn't expect the almost 8 lbs and the almost 22 inches! She emodies elegance, peace, and strength already. Samir and I both instantly felt that she had always been part of our family. It is an unusual feeling but I believe our family is complete now.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Working on Waiting....
I have nine days left until my induction date but calling me "antsy" would be an understatement. For the past two weeks I have been on edge/hopeful that our newest daughter is going to come early. I have been experiencing many contractions every evening for the past two weeks. They are medium in strength but seem to subside when I try to fall asleep. Twice I have counted contractions that are 8 - 12 minutes apart for about 2 hours. They are not getting to the magic 5 - 7 minutes apart that I need to go into labor. I learned this last Saturday when I went to hospital thinking she was making her entrance but sent home as I was not dilating enough (only 1 cm). I came home and proceeded to vomit for a few hours and still continue with medium level painful contractions. They subsided at 4am when I was post-vomit and praying to God to please make the pain go away if there was no baby coming. There is a larger theme here of something I am struggling with for the first time. Since this pregnancy, I have started to feel a sense of "betrayal" from my body. Perhaps it is because I am almost 34. Perhaps it is because this is the 3rd baby. Perhaps it is because I felt so strong coming off of running a half marathon and now I feel weak and stretched out. Either way, I need to get it together and change my mindset from frustrated and waiting to appreciative and surrendering.
I was speaking about this frustrated feeling to someone recently and they suggested I consider that this pregnancy and this baby will be a step-change for me to accept what I cannot change. An act of surrendering. I have tried mentally doing this and even have made major strides to ask for help in ways I could not before. However, I still feel the daily/hourly/ resistance inside me. I am drafting this blog note as a partial "Ode to Surrendering" hoping to put into the universe that I am waving my white flag. Below is what a list of what I hope to accept and find ways to appreciate.
1) I accept that I cannot control when she arrives other than setting an induction date in the 39th week. So I am committing to finding ways to enjoy the days that are left such as spending more time with the girls, creating some sort of project/gift so they feel truly unique and loved before a new child enters our life and disrupts the current pattern. I would like to reduce my working this week to drastically less. Mentally transition from constant worry and effort at Solica to putting more effort and thought into our home, this baby, our girls, and maybe even a little time on me. Perhaps this extra time is a gift from my littlest sweetheart so I take some time to prepare and refresh. Like the day before the long run when you just relax, walk a bit, and eat well. A-ha! I have a theme. The theme the each day before baby arrives will be Delight. Such a rare priority.
2) I accept that I will continue to be uncomfortable/painful for awhile. Besides the leg cramps, waking up every 45 minutes at night, the contractions, the back pain, and the difficulty breathing, there is more discomfort/pain that will come before it all subsides. For the past 2 days I have been sick with some cold/flu that has me hacking, sneezing, and with a fever. Not sure how long this will last. Her head is engaged and I am already dilated and effaced so her movements hurt a lot more as well. Of course, then there is the pain of real labor is coming. And recovery from tearing/stitches/weeks of bleeding. Somehow seeing it all in writing helps minimize it. I hereby commit to re-framing my attitude. Being thankful for the discomfort as my body is being pushed. It is a sign that I am alive and being stretched to new levels. Growing in my capacity and wisdom. I am thankful that my body can hold and birth a new life as it has. I am thankful for this time as an insight to what serious aging might be like. Chronic joint or bone pain. Being forced to walk slowly, ask for help, have trouble lifting heavy things. No wonder people often get grumpier as they age. This time is a window of understanding to all those in the world with far more severe chronic discomfort/pain. I am lucky that mine is expected to subside in just a few weeks/months.
3) I accept that my body will not look strong, fit, or classically attractive for at least a few months. Between nursing, trying to re-firm my midsection, and just the time it takes to recover from birthing, I will not feel like a hottie mama for awhile. But that is okay. I gave up my body to create a new life. To allow our family to hold more love. Everything is created from something and part of creating this new person is that some of me is gone. My boobs may not be perky anymore. My balance and sanity will be impacted for awhile. Who knows what else. But I made a choice to create more life and love and that is worth so much more. Thank God I had a choice. So many people want more love and life and are not able to create more children. I know all those families would definitely give of themselves if they could. It is a blessing to have some of me chipped away and I should see my changes as a badge of honor. Medals for courage and compassion. I will accept the hilarious body that is post-birth and enjoy watching as I work to see what can yet be molded out of it. Hopefully I can accept that my husband will also see me the same way I am striving to see myself.
I was speaking about this frustrated feeling to someone recently and they suggested I consider that this pregnancy and this baby will be a step-change for me to accept what I cannot change. An act of surrendering. I have tried mentally doing this and even have made major strides to ask for help in ways I could not before. However, I still feel the daily/hourly/ resistance inside me. I am drafting this blog note as a partial "Ode to Surrendering" hoping to put into the universe that I am waving my white flag. Below is what a list of what I hope to accept and find ways to appreciate.
1) I accept that I cannot control when she arrives other than setting an induction date in the 39th week. So I am committing to finding ways to enjoy the days that are left such as spending more time with the girls, creating some sort of project/gift so they feel truly unique and loved before a new child enters our life and disrupts the current pattern. I would like to reduce my working this week to drastically less. Mentally transition from constant worry and effort at Solica to putting more effort and thought into our home, this baby, our girls, and maybe even a little time on me. Perhaps this extra time is a gift from my littlest sweetheart so I take some time to prepare and refresh. Like the day before the long run when you just relax, walk a bit, and eat well. A-ha! I have a theme. The theme the each day before baby arrives will be Delight. Such a rare priority.
2) I accept that I will continue to be uncomfortable/painful for awhile. Besides the leg cramps, waking up every 45 minutes at night, the contractions, the back pain, and the difficulty breathing, there is more discomfort/pain that will come before it all subsides. For the past 2 days I have been sick with some cold/flu that has me hacking, sneezing, and with a fever. Not sure how long this will last. Her head is engaged and I am already dilated and effaced so her movements hurt a lot more as well. Of course, then there is the pain of real labor is coming. And recovery from tearing/stitches/weeks of bleeding. Somehow seeing it all in writing helps minimize it. I hereby commit to re-framing my attitude. Being thankful for the discomfort as my body is being pushed. It is a sign that I am alive and being stretched to new levels. Growing in my capacity and wisdom. I am thankful that my body can hold and birth a new life as it has. I am thankful for this time as an insight to what serious aging might be like. Chronic joint or bone pain. Being forced to walk slowly, ask for help, have trouble lifting heavy things. No wonder people often get grumpier as they age. This time is a window of understanding to all those in the world with far more severe chronic discomfort/pain. I am lucky that mine is expected to subside in just a few weeks/months.
3) I accept that my body will not look strong, fit, or classically attractive for at least a few months. Between nursing, trying to re-firm my midsection, and just the time it takes to recover from birthing, I will not feel like a hottie mama for awhile. But that is okay. I gave up my body to create a new life. To allow our family to hold more love. Everything is created from something and part of creating this new person is that some of me is gone. My boobs may not be perky anymore. My balance and sanity will be impacted for awhile. Who knows what else. But I made a choice to create more life and love and that is worth so much more. Thank God I had a choice. So many people want more love and life and are not able to create more children. I know all those families would definitely give of themselves if they could. It is a blessing to have some of me chipped away and I should see my changes as a badge of honor. Medals for courage and compassion. I will accept the hilarious body that is post-birth and enjoy watching as I work to see what can yet be molded out of it. Hopefully I can accept that my husband will also see me the same way I am striving to see myself.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Annika's creative mind
At drop off today, Annika saw a car in the parking lot she had never seen. She said, "Mom! Look at the awesome car - it is so, so new! I have never seen one like that ever. It is so cool, different, and new"
I wish so badly that I had taken a picture of the car. I stepped out of the car and turned around excitedly to see what she was pointing at. It was a 1980's cream colored station wagon with wood paneling. Very similar to the one my parents had for most of my youth. I wish there would have been someone over 25 to share the moment with.
My creative, kind daughter has such an imagination but not much insight for fashion or style. Hopefully Amara will keep her in check and not let her get too excited about bringing back shoulder pads or high bangs. : (
I wish so badly that I had taken a picture of the car. I stepped out of the car and turned around excitedly to see what she was pointing at. It was a 1980's cream colored station wagon with wood paneling. Very similar to the one my parents had for most of my youth. I wish there would have been someone over 25 to share the moment with.
My creative, kind daughter has such an imagination but not much insight for fashion or style. Hopefully Amara will keep her in check and not let her get too excited about bringing back shoulder pads or high bangs. : (
How my children bastardize holiday songs...
Amara's version of We Wish You a Merry Christmas
"We wish you a merry christmas, we wish you a merry christmas, we wish you a merry christmas and a happy new year.... Good titles we bring to you and your king. Good titles of Christmas and Happy New Year".
Annika's twisted version of an already twisted version of Jingle Bells.
"Jingle Bells, Daddy Smells, Mommy Laid and Egg"
"We wish you a merry christmas, we wish you a merry christmas, we wish you a merry christmas and a happy new year.... Good titles we bring to you and your king. Good titles of Christmas and Happy New Year".
Annika's twisted version of an already twisted version of Jingle Bells.
"Jingle Bells, Daddy Smells, Mommy Laid and Egg"
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Why can't I marry my Grandpa?
Amara loves to talk about marriage. It is mostly to whoever is the sweet boy in her class at the time but occasionally it is to her Dad. About six months ago she got past the "I am going to marry Dad when I grow up but you can still live here Mom" phase. However yesterday she asked me, "You know, I really love my Paji, why can't I marry my Grandpa? He is not my Dad." She figured she had found a loop hole that would allow her to get married to someone she loves and trusts and that is not her Dad. I explained to her that you cannot marry your family at all. Not grandpas, cousins, dads, anyone like that. "But why?" she wanted to know. I said the magic of marriages is when you meld two different families together - emotionally, spiritually, and physically with creating kids. I explained that if you have babies with someone in your family, it can cause many genetic challenges.
Annika asked, "Like Down Syndrome?"
I answered that Down Syndrome is a genetic challenge that can occur anytime with any child. They could not understand what I was saying so I after rounds of trying to be scientific and politically correct I resorted to a very weak moment in parenting, "If you marry your own family, you can have a baby with two heads!". Both girls got quiet. Amara said, "That is terrible! I won't marry my family for sure!"
Hopefully my mom and I now can be at peace knowing that Amara will leave our husbands alone. However, for my poor sister, her boyfriend is still fair game : )
Annika asked, "Like Down Syndrome?"
I answered that Down Syndrome is a genetic challenge that can occur anytime with any child. They could not understand what I was saying so I after rounds of trying to be scientific and politically correct I resorted to a very weak moment in parenting, "If you marry your own family, you can have a baby with two heads!". Both girls got quiet. Amara said, "That is terrible! I won't marry my family for sure!"
Hopefully my mom and I now can be at peace knowing that Amara will leave our husbands alone. However, for my poor sister, her boyfriend is still fair game : )
What will I be doing when I am a Grandma...
Today Amara asked me, "Mom, when you are a Grandma, will you still work so much at a construction company?".
I answered her with, "Hmm... I don't know. I have never thought about what I will want to do when I am a Grandma. I would probably like to still work a little but not in construction. Maybe write a little bit. And definitely spend lots of time with my Grandkids."
Annika says, "But who are your Grandkids?"
Amara says, "Those are going to be our kids Annika".
It was a solemn and beautiful moment as all of us contemplated a future 30 years away. : )
I answered her with, "Hmm... I don't know. I have never thought about what I will want to do when I am a Grandma. I would probably like to still work a little but not in construction. Maybe write a little bit. And definitely spend lots of time with my Grandkids."
Annika says, "But who are your Grandkids?"
Amara says, "Those are going to be our kids Annika".
It was a solemn and beautiful moment as all of us contemplated a future 30 years away. : )
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Celebrating turning 5
Amara turned 5 this weekend. It was a glorious birthday. She was so lucky to turn five on a Saturday and then have her birthday party on Sunday. As we took her photos this weekend I overheard my sister telling her, "Turning five is the best!". Then I was hit with a sadness because I think it really is the best. I know every year has its own pros and cons but there is real truth to Five being the best year. It is a golden year because you realize you are not just a child but still get to be a child enough to enjoy life. Here is a list of what Amara has taught me turning five is all about:
1) You start reading and can write what is on your mind.
2) Drawings really look like concepts you imagine.
3) You can logically reason with your parents.
4) You start to have clear ideas of what to do/create/be and can conceive how to it all comes to life.
5) You memorize words to Christmas Carols and songs on the radio with ease.
6) You no longer need a step up stool at the sink.
7) You are still scared of PG movies but can cover your eyes and talk yourself through rough parts.
8) You understand how to treat other kids and can express how you want to be treated.
9) You can show the dogs that you are over them in the pack.
10) You can memorize funny jokes and tell the difference between a good one and a bad one.
A list of things Amara has shown me that are tough for a five year old. (Thank goodness!)
1) Doing your own hair
2) Sitting still during a meal for more than 15 minutes
3) Saying good-bye to pets who pass away and friends who move away
4) Smiling at a camera with a steady, happy smile for more than 2 seconds
5) Understand how big infinity is. She much prefers if I say that I love her more than all that starts in the sky rather than saying I love her "plus infinity" which is my usual phrase.
1) You start reading and can write what is on your mind.
2) Drawings really look like concepts you imagine.
3) You can logically reason with your parents.
4) You start to have clear ideas of what to do/create/be and can conceive how to it all comes to life.
5) You memorize words to Christmas Carols and songs on the radio with ease.
6) You no longer need a step up stool at the sink.
7) You are still scared of PG movies but can cover your eyes and talk yourself through rough parts.
8) You understand how to treat other kids and can express how you want to be treated.
9) You can show the dogs that you are over them in the pack.
10) You can memorize funny jokes and tell the difference between a good one and a bad one.
A list of things Amara has shown me that are tough for a five year old. (Thank goodness!)
1) Doing your own hair
2) Sitting still during a meal for more than 15 minutes
3) Saying good-bye to pets who pass away and friends who move away
4) Smiling at a camera with a steady, happy smile for more than 2 seconds
5) Understand how big infinity is. She much prefers if I say that I love her more than all that starts in the sky rather than saying I love her "plus infinity" which is my usual phrase.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)