For my littlest one

My smallest daughter is up with me on this early morning.  She is wiggling and kicking and wishing I had eaten more yesterday.   I feel her so much.  I don't know if it is because she is my third growing child inside me or if it is just her but she seems to be very connected to me.   I felt called to wake up and write this morning and also to write to her first.

Dear Littlest One,

We have had a special few days as we celebrated Thanksgiving and Black Friday this year.  It was one of the nicest occasions we have had (with the exception that no one from my side of the family was there).   Your Kirsten Kaki did an amazing job decorating the table, and the food was the best yet.  There was a great amount of love buzzing about the kitchen and this year even the yard.  I felt so at peace and loved even though Dad asked me if I was sad that no one from my family would be there.  The thought did not even cross my mind.  As long as my daughters and husband were there I was good.  And then this morning, I realized, perhaps it was because you are with me as well.   You have such a steady and intoxicating cosmic connection to me.  I can't stop feeling you truly.   I have felt more balanced and never lonely since you came into this world.   Perhaps it is because our family will be complete.  Perhaps it is because you came into existence so powerfully after several years of feeling there was a soul missing in our family.  Our perhaps intense love is just your gift.   Whatever it is, I feel so close to you always, and so complete.   You make me a better person.  You motivate me to live life differently.  With more awareness, more drive to do what matters, less worry. 

The thought of having a new baby terrifies me sometimes, but also excites me more than anything.  I don't remember too much about how I got through the sleepless nights, or the spit up, or all the daily nursing hours.   I do remember being amazed at the squishy cuteness of my girls.  How each one was a growing bud of themselves that I had the pleasure of helping to grow.   Now that my girls are more like tiny adults than babies, it will be a different process.  I have some sense now that the baby who will pop out will already have the adult inside but is simply taking the necessary time to unfurl the woman within the child.   Not really a budding as much as some timed unveiling.  

I will love on you then even more than I can now.   However, loving you know is different than loving my other two daughters in utero.  I didn't understand the woman would be there so soon.  Now I will relish each day with the respect it deserves.  Relish each moment with all five senses.  The awareness that has arisen in me from becoming a mother is my greatest gift now.   Thank God for the ability to have children because it takes you so far outside yourself.  Takes you to being closer to the watcher and the creator inside of all of us.   Takes you closer to Yuj - oneness with God.

Love,
Ami