Holiday Rushing

Our holiday party is behind us and I am actually more prepared for Christmas than ever.  Yet somehow, I still feel I am losing precious moments to the Holiday Rush.  The holiday rush is a mental disorder that affects most people this time of year.  I strive to be in the Zen holiday balance of able to appreciate the moment while also plan effectively to great a joyful holiday experience for my family and others.  This year has been been the best yet but also somehow is the hardest.  Ever year I get older it seems the holiday magic seems a little further off.  I used to lose myself in the twinkle of lights, the jingle bells, the smells, and the complete sensory experience of Christmas.  The hopes and anticipation of delight in both giving and getting.   This year I am further from that than ever before.   It seems that the more intentional I am about creating the memories and quality experiences the further I get from getting moved by the magic.   I didn't expect this trade-off.   Not sure why one is an exchange for the other.  Perhaps there is a paradox of intentional vs. magical but I am determined to find a way to straddle both worlds.   Tomorrow when I meditate I will focus on creating my remaining days of 2012 being open to the daily magic and miracles of Christmas while also staying focused on creating great experiences for my family and friends.   Below is my list of Christmas joys that have already come:

1) Trying a new holiday experience of the trains and trestles exhibit at Krohn Conservatory.  The best part was sharing it with my friend Jen and her girls.  6 wiggly girls in a humid train and flower exhibit was delightful.

2) Decorating our tree with family all around.  This year Samir and Steve decorated it 90% by themselves and it is beautiful.   The added gold, sparkly branches sticking out really take it to the next level.

3) Taking holiday pictures ourselves of the four of us, as well as the extended family.  Thanks to Samir's new hobby of photography, we even were able to get great shots with Aunty and Ishaan, Kirsten's full family, and my full family including Steve!   The dogs have even had their own Glamour Shots session with Samir.

4) Spending time with out of town friends.  This year both Remi and Christy live far, far away so I was delighted and so blessed to have a day with each of them just doing nothing but hanging out.  I am lucky that my best girlfriends really understand how to enjoy the moment.  All of them are fantastic at it compared to me, and Remi and Christy especially live by their own rules, which I love.

5) Seeing the Polar Express and meeting Santa outside the mall this year.  

6) Receiving amazing hand-made pillow cases as a gift from Santa-Kim this year.  Not only did the girls receive a beautifully written and decorated letter from Santa, there was a poem to explain how the early present of Christmas pillow cases would give us dreams of sugar plum fairies and such. 

7) The daily challenge and joy of the Elf on the Shelf.  Each morning the girls actually go searching for him.  If he does not move, they accept that he must really like that spot.  However their joy is much greater if he hides somewhere new.  

8) Samir asked for one gift this Christmas and it was staying in our home just the two of us and lounging two mornings until noon.  One of our favorite rituals of when we were DINKS (double income no kids).  I am very proud of myself for enlisting my mom to help me pull this off.  We have enjoyed both of those mornings already and it has brought us extra energy to go into this last week of holiday festivities.

9)Watching how easily both daughters were able to comb through their toys to give away toys they loved but didn't play with a ton to people who needed them more.  Amara said, "Good-bye Kitten, I love you but I know someone else will love you to.  I hope you go to a great family and make them smile."  She did this will all 20 stuffed toys she donated.  I am tearing up just writing this.  My heart swells thinking how courageous and giving both of them are with their stuff and more importantly with their love.

10) Volunteering at Operation Give Back.  There were seven of us who volunteered from our business as well as my father and uncle.  That was nine people helping to donate, coordinate, and hand out gifts to the needy on a Friday evening for about three hours.  I am so excited a little dream of getting involved with this group turned into over 20 hours of volunteer time for our company and family.  The best moment was seeing my older daughter's large pillow shaped like a sheep go home with a new family.  



Below is what I still hope to experience:

• Handing out Samir's homemade coconut oil chapstick to family and friends
• Making white chocolate lavender truffles sometime before January 1st.  Maybe this can be a new year's day tradition? 
• Great photos of the girls opening gifts and seeing santa's cookies eaten
• Making reindeer food on Christmas Eve with the girls.  Anything with glitter is just fantastic
• Caroling in a retirement home on Christmas Eve with Jen's family and ours
• Hoping to have warm holiday lunch with our employees this Friday
• Hoping to have a fun and happy Christmas morning making new memories as Niel has gotten so big and now Steve will be at our home.
• Making a photo book by new years even that captures some of the joys of 2012. 

"Mom you are good at some things too..."

Yesterday afternoon I spent time at home with my girls.  I was off from work and spent time coloring with Amara in the afternoon.   Annika came home from school and saw the well-done coloring page I did with giving Barbie dark hair and a peacock colored dress.  She proceeded to say, "Wow, Mom.  This coloring is really good. Did Dad do this?"    Needless to say I was floored that she not only assumed her Dad did it, but figured he did it while she was at school while I was the one to spent the day with them.  This caused me to wonder if they even find it valuable that I stay home on some days with them but instead of spinning into a tornado of doubt I asked her, "Why would you think he did it and not me?".  

Annika's response: "Well, he is the best at coloring."    I am so shocked by this answer for 24 hours that I am just left reeling.  

This evening I bring up the concept openly.  Figuring, with a day in between, they might have something nice to say about me. 

My question: "Well, is there something I am the best at?"

Amara's answer, "You are the best hugger."

Me: "Am I good at anything else?  Maybe giving you healthy food, helping you feel good, keeping your home safe and clean? helping you get dressed to feel beautiful inside and out?"

Amara: "Yes, one more thing. You are a good singer."

Me: "Well, your dad is a great singer too.  Anything else that I can do great?"

Amara:    "You are very good at sleeping."


So what my girls take away from all the effort and love I put into their daily lives is that I am excellent at sleeping.   :  )  Why do mother's try so hard every day?   I guess being the best at hugging is pretty important, too. 

Goodbye Mr. Wiggles : (

A sad but triumphant day has come and gone.  Annika has been claiming to have a wiggly tooth for the past six months.   Monday morning at 5:30 am she rushed into our room and showed us how it had fallen out.  This was a huge moment for many reasons:

1) She had been talking about this tooth for six months.  It had become a sore point in our lives as I cannot imagine a tooth has ever been discussed longer or with greater intensity.  She was sure it was going to come out a week ago and even asked me to take her to a dentist.  The dentist refused to pull it out even for my sanity.   So it has stayed in another week.  After the day the dentist said it needed to fall out itself Anni has calmed down a bit.  Moved on to other topics finally.

2) She has her first adult tooth coming in!  It was already pushing up behind her other one as a "Shark Tooth" with two layers at once but now I see that full grown tooth trying to push forward into the empty space and I am facing the every day tragedy of watching your child grow up.   Who decided that those larger, lifetime teeth should be called Grown Up Teeth?  I am not ready to see her be a grown up in any way.  She is a huge fan of the Elf on the Shelf, the Tooth Fairy, and magical Gargoyles so why does she need to think she has a Adult tooth?  She doesn't need to grow up yet and I pray she doesn't for at least 6 more years.  Let her be a child until at least 12.  I know she might be taller than me by then, but that doesn't mean she has to be adult in any other ways.

3) Now she an adorable gap in her front teeth and a very wiggle Mr. Wiggles #2 right next to the gap.  This means my child might be able to legitimately sing "All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth".   A dream come true for me!    It is up there as life altering Joy moment, right next to having a small part on Scrubs as J.D's best friend from high school.  

Did you know that they celebrate Hanukkah in Sweden?

I have been driven to write a post right in the middle of decorating our Christmas tree and making an easy dinner of PBJ/Apple Sandwiches.   Amara literally knocked the wind out of both Samir and I a few moments ago.  Here is the conversation:

Amara: "Did you know where they celebrate Hanukkah? ... In Sweden!"
Samir: "Is that True?  Well I thought they are probably celebrating in Israel"
Amara: "Yeah! It is real!"

Silence and Samir and I hit the ground bent over in laughter so hard it hurts.

For my littlest one

My smallest daughter is up with me on this early morning.  She is wiggling and kicking and wishing I had eaten more yesterday.   I feel her so much.  I don't know if it is because she is my third growing child inside me or if it is just her but she seems to be very connected to me.   I felt called to wake up and write this morning and also to write to her first.

Dear Littlest One,

We have had a special few days as we celebrated Thanksgiving and Black Friday this year.  It was one of the nicest occasions we have had (with the exception that no one from my side of the family was there).   Your Kirsten Kaki did an amazing job decorating the table, and the food was the best yet.  There was a great amount of love buzzing about the kitchen and this year even the yard.  I felt so at peace and loved even though Dad asked me if I was sad that no one from my family would be there.  The thought did not even cross my mind.  As long as my daughters and husband were there I was good.  And then this morning, I realized, perhaps it was because you are with me as well.   You have such a steady and intoxicating cosmic connection to me.  I can't stop feeling you truly.   I have felt more balanced and never lonely since you came into this world.   Perhaps it is because our family will be complete.  Perhaps it is because you came into existence so powerfully after several years of feeling there was a soul missing in our family.  Our perhaps intense love is just your gift.   Whatever it is, I feel so close to you always, and so complete.   You make me a better person.  You motivate me to live life differently.  With more awareness, more drive to do what matters, less worry. 

The thought of having a new baby terrifies me sometimes, but also excites me more than anything.  I don't remember too much about how I got through the sleepless nights, or the spit up, or all the daily nursing hours.   I do remember being amazed at the squishy cuteness of my girls.  How each one was a growing bud of themselves that I had the pleasure of helping to grow.   Now that my girls are more like tiny adults than babies, it will be a different process.  I have some sense now that the baby who will pop out will already have the adult inside but is simply taking the necessary time to unfurl the woman within the child.   Not really a budding as much as some timed unveiling.  

I will love on you then even more than I can now.   However, loving you know is different than loving my other two daughters in utero.  I didn't understand the woman would be there so soon.  Now I will relish each day with the respect it deserves.  Relish each moment with all five senses.  The awareness that has arisen in me from becoming a mother is my greatest gift now.   Thank God for the ability to have children because it takes you so far outside yourself.  Takes you to being closer to the watcher and the creator inside of all of us.   Takes you closer to Yuj - oneness with God.

Love,
Ami

Up while the house sleeps

I had the blessing this morning to get out of bed while there is still night quiet going on.   Night quiet is magical to me.  I am up, in my own space, when no one else needs me, is thinking about me, or knows where I am.   Even when I was younger and I would sneak out with friends at night, it was often more about the being up in the late night or early morning that was the exciting part not actually whatever we were trying to do. 

Night quiet is even more alluring now because of the teetering moments that are waiting in the balance.  Any moment one of the dogs might start whining.  Or one of my daughters might open her door and come find me.  But for now, I was able to get out of my room with my computer and start writing at 5am!

I don't know why I don't do this more often.  It is so soothing.  I am up so often around 5am to use the restroom (or blow my nose since I am pregnant).   The writing is what wooed me this morning so I must have something to create.

tummies have a mind of their own

Yesterday morning I was dousing Annika with her now usual routine of cortizone plus aquaphor before getting dressed (treating her eczema) when her tummy started to rumble loudly. 
I asked her, "Do you have to go potty?".  
She responded confidently, "Nope.  That is just my belly.  He says he is ready for breakfast". 
I commented, "Oh,  I didn't realize your tummy was a He." 
Annika says, "Oh yes.  My tummy is a he, but Amara's is definitely a girl."    : )