What will I be doing when I am a Grandma...

Today Amara asked me, "Mom, when you are a Grandma, will you still work so much at a construction company?". 

I answered her with, "Hmm... I don't know. I have never thought about what I will want to do when I am a Grandma.  I would probably like to still work a little but not in construction.  Maybe write a little bit.  And definitely spend lots of time with my Grandkids."

Annika says, "But who are your Grandkids?"

Amara says, "Those are going to be our kids Annika".

It was a solemn and beautiful moment as all of us contemplated a future 30 years away. : )

Celebrating turning 5

Amara turned 5 this weekend.  It was a glorious birthday.  She was so lucky to turn five on a Saturday and then have her birthday party on Sunday.   As we took her photos this weekend I overheard my sister telling her, "Turning five is the best!".  Then I was hit with a sadness because I think it really is the best.  I know every year has its own pros and cons but there is real truth to Five being the best year.   It is a golden year because you realize you are not just a child but still get to be a child enough to enjoy life.   Here is a list of what Amara has taught me turning five is all about:
1) You start reading and can write what is on your mind. 
2) Drawings really look like concepts you imagine. 
3) You can logically reason with your parents. 
4) You start to have clear ideas of what to do/create/be and can conceive how to it all comes to life.  
5) You memorize words to Christmas Carols and songs on the radio with ease. 
6) You no longer need a step up stool at the sink.
7) You are still scared of PG movies but can cover your eyes and talk yourself through rough parts.
8) You understand how to treat other kids and can express how you want to be treated.
9) You can show the dogs that you are over them in the pack.
10) You can memorize funny jokes and tell the difference between a good one and a bad one.

A list of things Amara has shown me that are tough for a five year old. (Thank goodness!)
1) Doing your own hair
2) Sitting still during a meal for more than 15 minutes
3) Saying good-bye to pets who pass away and friends who move away
4) Smiling at a camera with a steady, happy smile for more than 2 seconds
5) Understand how big infinity is.  She much prefers if I say that I love her more than all that starts in the sky rather than saying I love her "plus infinity" which is my usual phrase.

Our girls can sing!

I have always known that music and dance are critical parts of how our family experiences joy.  We love listening to music, Samir's loves making music, and all of us love dancing.  However, until this weekend, I never realized how much the girls and I love making music as well.  Both girls are currently taking piano lessons and Amara especially has taken to it.  She is learning very fast and chooses to practice on her own and actually plan what she is supposed to.  Annika takes a more open minded approach to piano lessons and practices mostly whatever she makes up at the keys.   Both girls sing a great deal on their own and with others.  Amara loves to sing fun songs and requests them to played when we are driving.  Annika tends to make up her own songs and words or sing along with songs from Spanish class or music class.  

Annika told me this weekend as we were preparing for our first family public singing (at a retirement home with our friends Jen/Brad/Daughters) that she sang a solo at school during their student only Holiday show.  Amara has always shown steady interest and capability to sing on her own as well as in front of others but I was shocked that Annika had the talent and determination as well. I had no idea she was so brave or so on key.  The more I started to pay attention to her singing the more I realized she was good.  Really good.  She even wanted to solo at the retirement home.  She ended up getting too shy but sang along well with just me on a pretty tough song.  

The weirdest part is how it is affecting me.  I have avoided singing in front of other for most of my life.  I actually would pretend to sing during chorus class and school music events when truly nothing came out of my mouth.  I have never karaoke-d and would prefer not to.   All this fear of singing got worse when I dated/married a guy who loves to sing for himself and others.  When I see his confidence and freedom, it makes me more shy and exemplifies that I am not a singer by any accord. My voice has been on lock down for past 20 years besides when I sing to the girls every night.   However, it is only me and them in the room.  I don't sing loud, and mostly do lullabies.  Preparing the girls for the Christmas Caroling was tons of fun and it forced me to get out of vocal lock down.  I couldn't practice with them without actually singing.  And I realized that I wasn't terrible.  And my daughters like my voice and want me to sing with them.   Not sure that I am any good at all but I haven't killed any birds or kids or elderly with my attempts.   

I guess my point in this post was to document for myself and daughters once again how powerful of a teacher motherhood is.  It really has forced me to become the best version of myself.   Annika asked me about why grown ups don't get gifts from Santa and if I was sad about it.  I told her the gifts from Santa get better as you get older but they don't typically come in a box.  This year, my Christmas gift was being inspired/forced to sing out loud after years of denying myself this pleasure.  

Holiday Rushing

Our holiday party is behind us and I am actually more prepared for Christmas than ever.  Yet somehow, I still feel I am losing precious moments to the Holiday Rush.  The holiday rush is a mental disorder that affects most people this time of year.  I strive to be in the Zen holiday balance of able to appreciate the moment while also plan effectively to great a joyful holiday experience for my family and others.  This year has been been the best yet but also somehow is the hardest.  Ever year I get older it seems the holiday magic seems a little further off.  I used to lose myself in the twinkle of lights, the jingle bells, the smells, and the complete sensory experience of Christmas.  The hopes and anticipation of delight in both giving and getting.   This year I am further from that than ever before.   It seems that the more intentional I am about creating the memories and quality experiences the further I get from getting moved by the magic.   I didn't expect this trade-off.   Not sure why one is an exchange for the other.  Perhaps there is a paradox of intentional vs. magical but I am determined to find a way to straddle both worlds.   Tomorrow when I meditate I will focus on creating my remaining days of 2012 being open to the daily magic and miracles of Christmas while also staying focused on creating great experiences for my family and friends.   Below is my list of Christmas joys that have already come:

1) Trying a new holiday experience of the trains and trestles exhibit at Krohn Conservatory.  The best part was sharing it with my friend Jen and her girls.  6 wiggly girls in a humid train and flower exhibit was delightful.

2) Decorating our tree with family all around.  This year Samir and Steve decorated it 90% by themselves and it is beautiful.   The added gold, sparkly branches sticking out really take it to the next level.

3) Taking holiday pictures ourselves of the four of us, as well as the extended family.  Thanks to Samir's new hobby of photography, we even were able to get great shots with Aunty and Ishaan, Kirsten's full family, and my full family including Steve!   The dogs have even had their own Glamour Shots session with Samir.

4) Spending time with out of town friends.  This year both Remi and Christy live far, far away so I was delighted and so blessed to have a day with each of them just doing nothing but hanging out.  I am lucky that my best girlfriends really understand how to enjoy the moment.  All of them are fantastic at it compared to me, and Remi and Christy especially live by their own rules, which I love.

5) Seeing the Polar Express and meeting Santa outside the mall this year.  

6) Receiving amazing hand-made pillow cases as a gift from Santa-Kim this year.  Not only did the girls receive a beautifully written and decorated letter from Santa, there was a poem to explain how the early present of Christmas pillow cases would give us dreams of sugar plum fairies and such. 

7) The daily challenge and joy of the Elf on the Shelf.  Each morning the girls actually go searching for him.  If he does not move, they accept that he must really like that spot.  However their joy is much greater if he hides somewhere new.  

8) Samir asked for one gift this Christmas and it was staying in our home just the two of us and lounging two mornings until noon.  One of our favorite rituals of when we were DINKS (double income no kids).  I am very proud of myself for enlisting my mom to help me pull this off.  We have enjoyed both of those mornings already and it has brought us extra energy to go into this last week of holiday festivities.

9)Watching how easily both daughters were able to comb through their toys to give away toys they loved but didn't play with a ton to people who needed them more.  Amara said, "Good-bye Kitten, I love you but I know someone else will love you to.  I hope you go to a great family and make them smile."  She did this will all 20 stuffed toys she donated.  I am tearing up just writing this.  My heart swells thinking how courageous and giving both of them are with their stuff and more importantly with their love.

10) Volunteering at Operation Give Back.  There were seven of us who volunteered from our business as well as my father and uncle.  That was nine people helping to donate, coordinate, and hand out gifts to the needy on a Friday evening for about three hours.  I am so excited a little dream of getting involved with this group turned into over 20 hours of volunteer time for our company and family.  The best moment was seeing my older daughter's large pillow shaped like a sheep go home with a new family.  



Below is what I still hope to experience:

• Handing out Samir's homemade coconut oil chapstick to family and friends
• Making white chocolate lavender truffles sometime before January 1st.  Maybe this can be a new year's day tradition? 
• Great photos of the girls opening gifts and seeing santa's cookies eaten
• Making reindeer food on Christmas Eve with the girls.  Anything with glitter is just fantastic
• Caroling in a retirement home on Christmas Eve with Jen's family and ours
• Hoping to have warm holiday lunch with our employees this Friday
• Hoping to have a fun and happy Christmas morning making new memories as Niel has gotten so big and now Steve will be at our home.
• Making a photo book by new years even that captures some of the joys of 2012. 

"Mom you are good at some things too..."

Yesterday afternoon I spent time at home with my girls.  I was off from work and spent time coloring with Amara in the afternoon.   Annika came home from school and saw the well-done coloring page I did with giving Barbie dark hair and a peacock colored dress.  She proceeded to say, "Wow, Mom.  This coloring is really good. Did Dad do this?"    Needless to say I was floored that she not only assumed her Dad did it, but figured he did it while she was at school while I was the one to spent the day with them.  This caused me to wonder if they even find it valuable that I stay home on some days with them but instead of spinning into a tornado of doubt I asked her, "Why would you think he did it and not me?".  

Annika's response: "Well, he is the best at coloring."    I am so shocked by this answer for 24 hours that I am just left reeling.  

This evening I bring up the concept openly.  Figuring, with a day in between, they might have something nice to say about me. 

My question: "Well, is there something I am the best at?"

Amara's answer, "You are the best hugger."

Me: "Am I good at anything else?  Maybe giving you healthy food, helping you feel good, keeping your home safe and clean? helping you get dressed to feel beautiful inside and out?"

Amara: "Yes, one more thing. You are a good singer."

Me: "Well, your dad is a great singer too.  Anything else that I can do great?"

Amara:    "You are very good at sleeping."


So what my girls take away from all the effort and love I put into their daily lives is that I am excellent at sleeping.   :  )  Why do mother's try so hard every day?   I guess being the best at hugging is pretty important, too. 

Goodbye Mr. Wiggles : (

A sad but triumphant day has come and gone.  Annika has been claiming to have a wiggly tooth for the past six months.   Monday morning at 5:30 am she rushed into our room and showed us how it had fallen out.  This was a huge moment for many reasons:

1) She had been talking about this tooth for six months.  It had become a sore point in our lives as I cannot imagine a tooth has ever been discussed longer or with greater intensity.  She was sure it was going to come out a week ago and even asked me to take her to a dentist.  The dentist refused to pull it out even for my sanity.   So it has stayed in another week.  After the day the dentist said it needed to fall out itself Anni has calmed down a bit.  Moved on to other topics finally.

2) She has her first adult tooth coming in!  It was already pushing up behind her other one as a "Shark Tooth" with two layers at once but now I see that full grown tooth trying to push forward into the empty space and I am facing the every day tragedy of watching your child grow up.   Who decided that those larger, lifetime teeth should be called Grown Up Teeth?  I am not ready to see her be a grown up in any way.  She is a huge fan of the Elf on the Shelf, the Tooth Fairy, and magical Gargoyles so why does she need to think she has a Adult tooth?  She doesn't need to grow up yet and I pray she doesn't for at least 6 more years.  Let her be a child until at least 12.  I know she might be taller than me by then, but that doesn't mean she has to be adult in any other ways.

3) Now she an adorable gap in her front teeth and a very wiggle Mr. Wiggles #2 right next to the gap.  This means my child might be able to legitimately sing "All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth".   A dream come true for me!    It is up there as life altering Joy moment, right next to having a small part on Scrubs as J.D's best friend from high school.  

Did you know that they celebrate Hanukkah in Sweden?

I have been driven to write a post right in the middle of decorating our Christmas tree and making an easy dinner of PBJ/Apple Sandwiches.   Amara literally knocked the wind out of both Samir and I a few moments ago.  Here is the conversation:

Amara: "Did you know where they celebrate Hanukkah? ... In Sweden!"
Samir: "Is that True?  Well I thought they are probably celebrating in Israel"
Amara: "Yeah! It is real!"

Silence and Samir and I hit the ground bent over in laughter so hard it hurts.