Working on Waiting....

I have nine days left until my induction date but calling me "antsy"  would be an understatement.  For the past two weeks I have been on edge/hopeful that our newest daughter is going to come early.   I have been experiencing many contractions every evening for the past two weeks.   They are medium in strength but seem to subside when I try to fall asleep.  Twice I have counted contractions that are 8 - 12 minutes apart for about 2 hours.   They are not getting to the magic 5 - 7 minutes apart that I need to go into labor.  I learned this last Saturday when I went to hospital thinking she was making her entrance but sent home as I was not dilating enough (only 1 cm).   I came home and proceeded to vomit for a few hours and still continue with medium level painful contractions.  They subsided at 4am when I was post-vomit and praying to God to please make the pain go away if there was no baby coming.  There is a larger theme here of something I am struggling with for the first time.  Since this pregnancy, I have started to feel a sense of "betrayal" from my body.   Perhaps it is because I am almost 34.  Perhaps it is because this is the 3rd baby.  Perhaps it is because I felt so strong coming off of running a half marathon and now I feel weak and stretched out.   Either way, I need to get it together and change my mindset from frustrated and waiting to appreciative and surrendering.  

I was speaking about this frustrated feeling to someone recently and they suggested I consider that this pregnancy and this baby will be a step-change for me to accept what I cannot change.  An act of surrendering.   I have tried mentally doing this and even have made major strides to ask for help in ways I could not before.  However, I still feel the daily/hourly/ resistance inside me.   I am drafting this blog note as a partial "Ode to Surrendering" hoping to put into the universe that I am waving my white flag.   Below is what a list of what I hope to accept and find ways to appreciate.

1) I accept that I cannot control when she arrives other than setting an induction date in the 39th week.  So I am committing to finding ways to enjoy the days that are left such as spending more time with the girls, creating some sort of project/gift so they feel truly unique and loved before a new child enters our life and disrupts the current pattern.   I would like to reduce my working this week to drastically less.  Mentally transition from constant worry and effort at Solica to putting more effort and thought into our home, this baby, our girls, and maybe even a little time on me.  Perhaps this extra time is a gift from my littlest sweetheart so I take some time to prepare and refresh.   Like the day before the long run when you just relax, walk a bit, and eat well.    A-ha!  I have a theme.  The theme the each day before baby arrives will be Delight.  Such a rare priority.

2) I accept that I will continue to be uncomfortable/painful for awhile.  Besides the leg cramps, waking up every 45 minutes at night, the contractions, the back pain, and the difficulty breathing, there is more discomfort/pain that will come before it all subsides.   For the past 2 days I have been sick with some cold/flu that has me hacking, sneezing, and with a fever.   Not sure how long this will last.  Her head is engaged and I am already dilated and effaced so her movements hurt a lot more as well.  Of course, then there is the pain of real labor is coming.  And recovery from tearing/stitches/weeks of bleeding.   Somehow seeing it all in writing helps minimize it.  I hereby commit to re-framing my attitude.  Being thankful for the discomfort as my body is being pushed.   It is a sign that I am alive and being stretched to new levels.  Growing in my capacity and wisdom.  I am thankful that my body can hold and birth a new life as it has.  I am thankful for this time as an insight to what serious aging might be like.   Chronic joint or bone pain.   Being forced to walk slowly, ask for help, have trouble lifting heavy things.  No wonder people often get grumpier as they age.   This time is a window of understanding to all those in the world with far more severe chronic discomfort/pain.  I am lucky that mine is expected to subside in just a few weeks/months.

3) I accept that my body will not look strong, fit, or classically attractive for at least a few months.   Between nursing, trying to re-firm my midsection, and just the time it takes to recover from birthing, I will not feel like a hottie mama for awhile.   But that is okay.  I gave up my body to create a new life.  To allow our family to hold more love.   Everything is created from something and part of creating this new person is that some of me is gone.  My boobs may not be perky anymore.  My balance and sanity will be impacted for awhile.  Who knows what else.   But I made a choice to create more life and love and that is worth so much more.   Thank God I had a choice.  So many people want more love and life and are not able to create more children.   I know all those families would definitely give of themselves if they could.  It is a blessing to have some of me chipped away and I should see my changes as a badge of honor.   Medals for courage and compassion.   I will accept the hilarious body that is post-birth and enjoy watching as I work to see what can yet be molded out of it.  Hopefully I can accept that my husband will also see me the same way I am striving to see myself.

Annika's creative mind

At drop off today, Annika saw a car in the parking lot she had never seen.  She said, "Mom! Look at the awesome car - it is so, so new!  I have never seen one like that ever.  It is so cool, different, and new" 

I wish so badly that I had taken a picture of the car.   I stepped out of the car and turned around excitedly to see what she was pointing at.    It was a 1980's cream colored station wagon with wood paneling.   Very similar to the one my parents had for most of my youth.   I wish there would have been someone over 25 to share the moment with. 

My creative, kind daughter has such an imagination but not much insight for fashion or style.  Hopefully Amara will keep her in check and not let her get too excited about bringing back shoulder pads or high bangs.  : ( 

How my children bastardize holiday songs...

Amara's version of We Wish You a Merry Christmas

"We wish you a merry christmas, we wish you a merry christmas, we wish you a merry christmas and a happy new year.... Good titles we bring to you and your king.  Good titles of Christmas and Happy New Year". 


Annika's twisted version of an already twisted version of Jingle Bells.

"Jingle Bells, Daddy Smells, Mommy Laid and Egg"

Why can't I marry my Grandpa?

Amara loves to talk about marriage.  It is mostly to whoever is the sweet boy in her class at the time but occasionally it is to her Dad.   About six months ago she got past the "I am going to marry Dad when I grow up but you can still live here Mom" phase.   However yesterday she asked me, "You know, I really love my Paji, why can't I marry my Grandpa? He is not my Dad."   She figured she had found a loop hole that would allow her to get married to someone she loves and trusts and that is not her Dad.   I explained to her that you cannot marry your family at all.  Not grandpas, cousins, dads, anyone like that.  "But why?" she wanted to know.  I said the magic of marriages is when you meld two different families together - emotionally, spiritually, and physically with creating kids.  I explained that if you have babies with someone in your family, it can cause many genetic challenges.

Annika asked, "Like Down Syndrome?"  

I answered that Down Syndrome is a genetic challenge that can occur anytime with any child.   They could not understand what I was saying so I after rounds of trying to be scientific and politically correct I resorted to a very weak moment in parenting, "If you marry your own family, you can have a baby with two heads!".    Both girls got quiet.  Amara said, "That is terrible! I won't marry my family for sure!" 

Hopefully my mom and I now can be at peace knowing that Amara will leave our husbands alone.  However, for my poor sister, her boyfriend is still fair game  : )

What will I be doing when I am a Grandma...

Today Amara asked me, "Mom, when you are a Grandma, will you still work so much at a construction company?". 

I answered her with, "Hmm... I don't know. I have never thought about what I will want to do when I am a Grandma.  I would probably like to still work a little but not in construction.  Maybe write a little bit.  And definitely spend lots of time with my Grandkids."

Annika says, "But who are your Grandkids?"

Amara says, "Those are going to be our kids Annika".

It was a solemn and beautiful moment as all of us contemplated a future 30 years away. : )

Celebrating turning 5

Amara turned 5 this weekend.  It was a glorious birthday.  She was so lucky to turn five on a Saturday and then have her birthday party on Sunday.   As we took her photos this weekend I overheard my sister telling her, "Turning five is the best!".  Then I was hit with a sadness because I think it really is the best.  I know every year has its own pros and cons but there is real truth to Five being the best year.   It is a golden year because you realize you are not just a child but still get to be a child enough to enjoy life.   Here is a list of what Amara has taught me turning five is all about:
1) You start reading and can write what is on your mind. 
2) Drawings really look like concepts you imagine. 
3) You can logically reason with your parents. 
4) You start to have clear ideas of what to do/create/be and can conceive how to it all comes to life.  
5) You memorize words to Christmas Carols and songs on the radio with ease. 
6) You no longer need a step up stool at the sink.
7) You are still scared of PG movies but can cover your eyes and talk yourself through rough parts.
8) You understand how to treat other kids and can express how you want to be treated.
9) You can show the dogs that you are over them in the pack.
10) You can memorize funny jokes and tell the difference between a good one and a bad one.

A list of things Amara has shown me that are tough for a five year old. (Thank goodness!)
1) Doing your own hair
2) Sitting still during a meal for more than 15 minutes
3) Saying good-bye to pets who pass away and friends who move away
4) Smiling at a camera with a steady, happy smile for more than 2 seconds
5) Understand how big infinity is.  She much prefers if I say that I love her more than all that starts in the sky rather than saying I love her "plus infinity" which is my usual phrase.

Our girls can sing!

I have always known that music and dance are critical parts of how our family experiences joy.  We love listening to music, Samir's loves making music, and all of us love dancing.  However, until this weekend, I never realized how much the girls and I love making music as well.  Both girls are currently taking piano lessons and Amara especially has taken to it.  She is learning very fast and chooses to practice on her own and actually plan what she is supposed to.  Annika takes a more open minded approach to piano lessons and practices mostly whatever she makes up at the keys.   Both girls sing a great deal on their own and with others.  Amara loves to sing fun songs and requests them to played when we are driving.  Annika tends to make up her own songs and words or sing along with songs from Spanish class or music class.  

Annika told me this weekend as we were preparing for our first family public singing (at a retirement home with our friends Jen/Brad/Daughters) that she sang a solo at school during their student only Holiday show.  Amara has always shown steady interest and capability to sing on her own as well as in front of others but I was shocked that Annika had the talent and determination as well. I had no idea she was so brave or so on key.  The more I started to pay attention to her singing the more I realized she was good.  Really good.  She even wanted to solo at the retirement home.  She ended up getting too shy but sang along well with just me on a pretty tough song.  

The weirdest part is how it is affecting me.  I have avoided singing in front of other for most of my life.  I actually would pretend to sing during chorus class and school music events when truly nothing came out of my mouth.  I have never karaoke-d and would prefer not to.   All this fear of singing got worse when I dated/married a guy who loves to sing for himself and others.  When I see his confidence and freedom, it makes me more shy and exemplifies that I am not a singer by any accord. My voice has been on lock down for past 20 years besides when I sing to the girls every night.   However, it is only me and them in the room.  I don't sing loud, and mostly do lullabies.  Preparing the girls for the Christmas Caroling was tons of fun and it forced me to get out of vocal lock down.  I couldn't practice with them without actually singing.  And I realized that I wasn't terrible.  And my daughters like my voice and want me to sing with them.   Not sure that I am any good at all but I haven't killed any birds or kids or elderly with my attempts.   

I guess my point in this post was to document for myself and daughters once again how powerful of a teacher motherhood is.  It really has forced me to become the best version of myself.   Annika asked me about why grown ups don't get gifts from Santa and if I was sad about it.  I told her the gifts from Santa get better as you get older but they don't typically come in a box.  This year, my Christmas gift was being inspired/forced to sing out loud after years of denying myself this pleasure.